


our coming of age (has come and gone)

by theroyalmilktea



Category: Digimon Adventure, Digimon Adventure Zero Two | Digimon Adventure 02, Digimon Adventure tri.
Genre: Childhood Friends, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Prompt Fic, Tumblr Prompt, if that bothers you, loud parties, some drinking and smoking just as a head's up, that kinda thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:48:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25945363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theroyalmilktea/pseuds/theroyalmilktea
Summary: I’ve loved you three summers now, honey, but I want ‘em allinterconnected takeru/hikari stories, spanning the course of three years. (part of tumblr’s 2020 takari week.)
Relationships: Ichijouji Ken/Inoue Miyako | Yolei Inoue, Ishida Yamato | Matt Ishida/Takenouchi Sora, Tachikawa Mimi/Yagami Taichi | Tai Kamiya, Takaishi Takeru | T.K. Takaishi/Yagami Hikari | Kari Kamiya
Comments: 33
Kudos: 95





	1. summer 2012

**Author's Note:**

> This is a part of Tumblr's Takari Week 2020 challenge. Will try to keep up with daily updates as much as possible, but I'm an Old with a full time job, so all I can promise is my best effort.

our coming of age (has come and gone)  
  
**part one:** confessions

xxx

**summer 2012**

_our coming of age has come and gone_ _  
_ _suddenly this summer, it’s clear  
  
_

xxx

The rainy season in Tokyo came to a close and with it followed the heavy, humidity soaked days that seemed to stretch on forever. It was almost like time was suspended - the thick air weighing down the hands of a clock until hours lasted days and days lasted weeks. 

It always made Hikari tired, summer did.  
  
While it might have been the weather, it was more likely it was the lingering weight of the responsibility on her shoulders that brought on this exhaustion. Perhaps when she was younger — much younger — the summer time held a sense of wonder and excitement, but a childhood fraught with the trauma of saving the world didn’t colour August with the happiest memories.  
  
No matter the reason, Hikari yawned, drawing her knees up to her chest. She felt pleasantly buzzed, the third peach Horoyoi Takeru had brought her starting to hit. She rested her cheek on her knee and closed her eyes. 

Seated beside her on the curb outside of Daisuke’s apartment, Miyako pulled out a cigarette. 

“Daisuke’s parties always get so out of control,” she muttered, as she fumbled in her purse for a lighter. “So obnoxious.”

Beside her, Ken grimaced. “Miyako, don’t smoke,” he chided. “You know I hate it when you smoke.”

Placing the cigarette in her mouth, Miyako sighed, bringing the lighter to its end. “I know, I know, I’m sorry,” she mumbled, flickering the wheel to spark a flame, “I know you hate it but I’m drunk. And irritable. I can’t help that I smoke when I’m drunk and irritable. You know that.”

Rolling his eyes, Ken leaned back on his hands. “Let me rephrase then: you know I hate it when you smoke when you’re drunk.”

Letting out a stream of smoke, Miyako turned to her boyfriend, annoyed. “I wouldn’t be out here smoking if Daisuke hadn’t turned a small get together into the party of the century,” she hissed, “that apartment is way too tiny and the walls are way too thin; someone is going to complain.”

Turning to face her friends, Hikari knew Miyako wasn’t wrong. Daisuke’s parties did tend to get out of control; while he promised small, intimate gatherings, they never came to fruition because everyone knew that wasn’t ever what he really had in mind. You went to Yamato and Sora’s if you wanted small, intimate gatherings. You went to Daisuke’s if you wanted to get liquored up and loud with your greatest friends.  
  
What else would cramming nearly twelve people into Daisuke’s shoebox apartment mean?

And Daisuke’s parties _did_ get loud. Historically, a neighbor had always complained and one time, the police even turned up, causing Daisuke to turn as white as a sheet. While they had debated amongst their friend group whether that would be the end of his shindigs, only a month passed before he had them over again. Statiscally, Miyako was right; chances were, someone would complain tonight, especially given how rowdy it was getting. 

Last she had seen, Taichi and Yamato were out on the balcony, in their own cloud of smoke and discussing deep, life issues, like their burdensome fate or Digimon-Human relations, as they were prone to do when talking too much. Music blasting in the background, Takeru, Mimi, Jyou, and Daisuke were seated cross legged in a circle, loudly debating about who had more of an impact on Japanese pop culture; Eiichiro Oda or Hikaru Utada. 

Sora, Koushiro, and Iori, the most reserved and responsible of the group, had opted out entirely. 

Hikari had come to the party with Takeru, as she always did, not only because he often paid for her alcohol at the conbini on the way over, but also because she went everywhere with Takeru. She hadn’t really seen him since arriving, their arms laden with bags full of beer and chuhai, as often happened at parties, the pair of them splitting off before coming back together at the end of the night.  
  
She had spent some time mingling before heading out to the balcony, trying to follow Taichi and Yamato’s conversation, before her head started to feel heavy, the alcohol settling in and the fatigue wafting over her. She had downed too much too fast, forgetting that she hadn’t really eaten much during the day. Needless to say, when Miyako had poked Hikari in the arm and asked if she wanted to get some air with her and Ken, she had quickly agreed. 

“Do you ever think,” Miyako mused, her elbow propped up on her knee, “that we’re wasting the best years of our lives?”

“What do you mean?” Ken asked, shifting towards her. 

Miyako waved her hand, smoke fluttering everywhere. “I mean are we wasting our twenties by spending every few weekends getting drunk at Daisuke’s,” she took another drag of her cigarette. “Shouldn’t we be doing something more exciting? Travelling or exploring or something?”

“We travel,” Hikari responded, sitting up. She stretched her legs out in front of her. “We were just in Okinawa a couple of weeks ago.”

“Plus,” Ken brought a hand up and stroked Miyako’s long, lavender hair, “one might argue that our youth was largely wasted on some heavy subject matter. So, maybe now is for resting.”

Frowning, Miyako kept her gaze fixed on the ground. “Maybe. But it still feels like there should be more though, don’t you think?”

A silence settled over the trio, all parties unsure of how to respond. There was some truth to what Miyako was saying; after saving the world so many times, day to day life sometimes felt mundane. This was it? That was all that was left? 

It was all part of the lingering trauma, the heavy baggage they all carried around. It manifested in different ways; for Ken, it was a deep sense of guilt that still plagued him years later, breeding an intense loyalty. For Miyako, it was an insecurity that she had never done quite enough - that there was always something missing. It’s why she had spent so much of university travelling and studying abroad, chasing new feelings and experiences.  
  
For Hikari, it was something else entirely. But she tried not to think about it. 

“I think,” Ken leaned forward and dropped a kiss to the top of Miyako’s head, “that it’s late and you’re drunk. We should probably head home.”

Miyako let out a deep breath, stubbing out her cigarette beside her. “You’re probably right,” she said, her voice sounding small and sad. She slid an arm around his waist, resting her weight on him. “I’m very drunk, you know.”

Ken laughed, wrapping his arms around her as he stood, pulling Miyako with him. “Trust me, I know.” He turned to Hikari and smiled. “Did you want to get going as well? You can take the train with us; you seem tired.”

As if on cue, Hikari yawned, and they laughed. She shook her head. “No, I think I’ll stick around for a bit,” she brushed off the back of her legs as she stood. “I should probably go check on Takeru, though. He’s probably had a few more since we’ve been outside and I should make him drink some water.”

“What a nice wife you are,” Miyako slurred, leaning over and bopping Hikari on the nose. “Making sure hubby isn’t too wasted.”

Hikari rolled her eyes, bumping her hip against Miyako’s as they began to walk back towards the apartment. “You’re kind of a mean drunk, has anyone ever told you that?” 

Miyako’s face crumbled. “Yes!” she whined, “why do people say that?”

The three friends bickered as they made their way back up to Daisuke’s apartment, snipping and giggling (and crying a little bit, if you were Miyako) in the elevator. Stepping out into the hall, the sounds of their friends boomed off of the walls. Hikari winced. 

Someone was definitely going to complain. This went against many building rules - if not some by laws. How Daisuke hadn’t been evicted was a wonder to everyone. 

“God, it’s _so_ loud,” Hikari said, biting her lip, walking down the hall. 

“I _told_ you!” Miyako said, bounding up in front of her. “Just let me tear into Daisuke!” 

As they approached the door, Daisuke’s drunken slur boomed behind it, the paper thin walls doing nothing to contain or hide anything he was saying. 

“Oy, Takeru —” he all but yelled, “when are you going to fess up?”

A beat passed. “Fess up about what?” Takeru asked cooly, his voice echoing, though not as loud. 

The trio paused. They knew the tone of voice both Takeru and Daisuke had taken on. Daisuke, aggressive and accusatory, Takeru, defensive and irritated. They exchanged a glance, nervously. 

Unlike Taichi and Yamato, who had spent their formative years squabbling their way into a deep, familial friendship, Takeru and Daisuke had never really found common ground. They were too different, but not different enough to balance each other out the way Taichi and Yamato had. While they were civil and had established mutual respect between them, they were far from close, both finding the other obnoxious and self-absorbed. As a result, arguments still bubbled up, especially with the aid of alcohol. 

“ _Fuck_ ,” Miyako said under her breath. “I do not want to deal with them fighting. I will definitely cry. Maybe we should just leave.”

“My coat is in there,” Ken whispered, sighing heavily. 

Miyako pursed her lips. “Can you get it later? Tell Daisuke to bring it by tomorrow?”

Ken shook his head. “My Suica card is in the pocket.”

Hikari rolled her eyes. While arguments between Takeru and Daisuke were never pleasant, it wasn’t the end of the world. “Let’s just go in,” she said, stepping in between the couple. “I’ll break it up.”

Placing her hand on the doorknob, Hikari heard Daisuke’s voice respond. 

“When are you gonna stop pretending that you’re not into Hikari-chan, huh?” Daisuke said. “It’s been years. Give it up.”

Hikar’s hand stiffened. She felt her heart pick up speed and her body get hot. 

“You are absolutely obsessed with Hikari-chan,” Daisuke continued behind the door, “you’ve been obsessed with her as long as I have known you. Are you really going to deny it?”

“You sure you’re not talking about yourself?” Takeru responded, his voice still measured and cool, but an edge had settled onto it.  
  
Hikari bit her lip hard; the conversation was taking a turn she didn’t feel comfortable listening to, but even less comfortable breaking up. She glanced over her shoulder at her friends, twin concerned expressions playing on their faces. 

“Don’t go in,” Miyako mouth, waving her arms. “Just give them a moment.”

Nodding, Hikari withdrew her hand, jumping at the sound of Daisuke’s loud laugh.

“Please, Takeru, that’s long over,” he explained, “but not for you, am I right?”

“You guys probably shouldn’t be having this conversation,” Jyou’s calm voice interjected. “At least not this loudly; Taichi-san will hear you.”

“Taichi and Yamato are out there probably agreeing to name their first born child after each other,” Daisuke responded, still loudly, “they aren’t listening. Besides, they know anyway. We all know.”

“Know what?” Takeru asked, his voice sounding hard. 

“Know that you have feelings for Hikari,” Daisuke exclaimed, “we all know! Don’t we, Mimi-chan? Jyou-senpai?”

Mimi chucked awkwardly, her soft voice entering the conversation. “ _Well_ , I wouldn’t say we all know, just that we have a _strong suspicio_ —”

“Oh, please,” Daisuke scoffed. “ _We all know_ , is what Mimi-chan means to say. She’s just too nice. We _all_ know you’re head over heels for Hikari-chan.”  
  
The conversation behind the door grew quiet, but it felt thick with tension, even on the other side. HIkari swallowed. 

“Okay, now, let’s go inside now,” Miyako prodded with a hush, poking Hikari in the back. “Now is the perfect time.”

“You’re right,” Ken whispered, stepping behind his girlfriend. “We’ll be able to break it up before Takeru gets mad at Daisuke for spouting nonsense.”

Hikari nodded, placing her hand back on the doorknob, before pausing again when Takeru began to speak.

“I’m not really pretending,” Takeru’s voice sounded, clear and calm. “So you can stop yelling at me that I’m trying to hide something, Daisuke. Especially if you claim you all know anyway.”

Daisuke let out a whoop. “So you admit it? You admit you have feelings for Hikari-chan?”

“Of _course_ I have feelings for Hikari-chan,” Takeru said, his voice losing the hard edge it had earlier. “Of course I do. But I’m not going to do anything about it.”

“Why not?” Mimi asked, sounding confused. “If you have feelings for her, why not tell her?”

“Self-preservation,” Takeru responded. “It’s easier this way, for both of us.”

“Ahh,” Jyou drawled, “good course of action. Dodge rejection before you can be rejected. Mimi-kun, you wouldn’t understand this.”

Mimi guffawed. “Of course I understand rejection! I’ve been rejected!” she insisted, “and I can say from first hand experience that it is worth it to ask someone out and be rejected. It builds character!”

“Who has rejected you, Mimi-chan?” Daisuke asked, a loud slurping following. 

“Taichi-san, years ago,” Mimi said quickly. “And it sucked, but I got through it! So, Takeru-kun, I say go for it! Flirt with Hikari-chan a bit! See what happens?” 

At this, Takeru laughed loudly. “First off, you’re still in love with Taichi-san. Secondly, I’ve been flirting with Hikari-chan for years and she never notices. And if she does, she’s not interested in commenting on it. So it’s easier to leave it at that.”

As Mimi began loudly protesting, Hikari felt hot and flushed, unable to open the door. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing; Takeru had feelings for her? And he was openly admitting it to their friends at one of Daisuke’s parties?

_Was she really drunk? Was this a dream?_

“OK, I’m going inside,” Ken hissed, stepping forward, “we’re eavesdropping on our friends. We shouldn’t be doing this.”

“Ah, but it was just getting good!” Miyako whined. “Ken, why are you so noble?”

Ken pulled open the door. “Miyako, not now—” Hikari stepped forward, pressing her hand to the door.  
  
“Wait!” she whispered, cutting him off. “Just wait. 

Ken turned back to her, confused. “What is it?”

A lump had formed in Hikari’s throat and when she swallowed, it hurt. Exhaustion was settling over her. “Can we pretend that didn’t just happen? That we didn’t hear anything?”

Furrowing his brows, Ken frowned. “Well, I wasn’t going to admit that we were standing out here listening…”

“I know, but,” Hikari looked between him and Miyako, feeling frazzled. They both looked so calm; of course they were — their lives hadn’t just been accidentally turned upside down. “Let’s just never speak of it again. Keep it between us. Forget it ever happened.”  
  
Stepping behind her, Miyako pressed a hand to Hikari’s arm. “Are you okay? I know that was a lot. Do you—”

“I’m fine,” Hikari said quickly, shooting her friend a smile. “I just...don’t want to talk about it. Ever. So can we pretend that that just didn’t happen?”

Ken and Miyako exchanged a glance, a wordless conversation travelling between them. Something about it made Hikari feel annoyed. She knew the type of closeness that came with speaking without words. 

She had the same thing with Takeru. The thought of it made her bristle. It never had before. 

“Of course, Hikari,” Miyako said with a nod. “Of course.”

“Thank you,” Hikari swallowed again.

Stepping into the apartment, they were met with the gazes of the four friends sitting in the living room. Takeru’s eyes met Hikari’s. 

She looked away. 

“Oy! What the hell were you doing out there with the door open?” Daisuke asked, raising his beer in their direction. “Do you want my neighbors to complain?”

“Miyako felt like she might throw up,” Ken bluffed, always a faster thinker.  
  
Daisuke balked. “So you thought it would be OK to see if she was going to throw up in the _hallway_ ? Come inside to the bathroom! You must _really_ want my neighbors to complain.”

Ken sighed, picking up his jacket off the back of a barstool in the kitchen. “She felt dizzy and was trying to catch her breath.”

Mimi shot up, running over, looking concerned. “Oh, no, Miyako-chan!” she cried, hands flying to her friend’s face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Miyako laughed, playing along. “We’re going to go home now. I’m just going to run to the bathroom.”

“Don’t throw up in there!” Daisuke called after her as the door to the toilet room clicked shut. “I don’t want to clean up your vomit!”

As Mimi and Jyou began chastising him and Ken suddenly looked like _he_ wanted a cigarette, Takeru stood up and came over to Hikari. He shot her a lopsided smile. 

Her heart pounded. It looked different now. 

“You okay?” he asked, his hands coming up to rub her upper arms comfortingly. “Your face is kind of red.”

Hikari nodded. “I’m fine,” she said. His touch was making her feel dizzy. “I think I just drank a bit too much.” 

Takeru grinned. “By my count, you’ve only had three, and you’re not a lightweight.”

Despite herself, Hikari felt herself smiling back. “I didn’t eat much today. So it hit me harder.” She stepped out of his grasp. “I think I’m going to head home.”

“Oh,” Takeru frowned. “OK. Let me get my stuff.”

“No, no, it’s okay!” she said quickly. “Stay and enjoy yourself. I’m going to go with Ken-san and Miyako.”

Takeru quirked a brow. “But we always go home together.”

“And I don’t usually get wasted off of three cans of Horoyoi,” Hikari said with a smile. “I don’t want to ruin the night for you. So just stay, OK? I’ll be fine with Ken-san and Miyako.”

Rubbing the back of his neck, Takeru nodded. “OK, if you’re sure. But call me when you get home? I’ll worry if you don’t.”  
  
The dizzy feeling came back at his words. Hikari nodded. “I will.”  
  


x x x  
  


Fifteen minutes later, she, Ken, and Miyako made their way down the street. 

“I want another cigarette,” Miyako sighed, “it’s been a long night.”

“You know you can’t walk and smoke,” Ken scolded as he draped his jacket over her shoulders. “You’ll feel better tomorrow if you don’t anyway.”

Miyako sighed. “You’re right,” she conceded. Sliding up to Hikari, she laced her fingers with hers and squeezed.

“You okay, Hikari?” 

Hikari squeezed back. “Of course,” she replied. “I’m fine.”  
  


x x x  
  


Lying in bed that night, Hikari raised her left hand above her head and stared at it, bending her pinkie. 

She swallowed. Her throat still felt tight.

The folklore behind the red thread of fate depicts a belief that an invisible string is tied to your pinkie and connected to the one you were supposed to be with. It was a romantic notion, one that suggests that there is truly someone out there for everyone; you just have to find them.

That seemed impossible. With billions of people in the world, what were the odds that you would find that other person? Maybe they lived in a different country, speaking a different language, or living a completely different way of life. The chances were so slim, so miniscule, that it seemed foolish to hope for such a thing. 

Despite this, Hikari knew that she had found her other half. She had found it at eight years old, in Takeru. She didn’t need evidence; she just knew.

But she _had_ evidence. Everything about their existence was proof that they were, for lack of a better word, made for each other. Fate had not only brought them together under extreme circumstances, but it also appeared to have gone out of its way to craft the perfect companion for each other. 

He was Hope and she was Light. The powers that kept everything balanced. One couldn’t exist without the other. Didn’t that say enough? No one else in their group of chosen children had corresponding crests.  
  
(Don’t even get her started on their Digimon; a truth that she would never admit was that she was surprised when Miyako turned out to be her Jogress partner. She hadn’t considered that it would be anyone other than Takeru.)

How could she not think that if there was a red thread attached to her pinkie, that the end of it led to him? She had spent too many years listening to the words of the universe and everything was telling her that what she knew was true, even if invisible strings weren’t involved. 

She _hated_ it. 

She had already had her fate laid out for her at such a young age. So much of her life was already predetermined. For even the love of her life to be hand selected for her, without her input? 

It felt like too much. 

It was easier until a few hours ago. It was easier for her to live with this knowledge for herself and to decide that it was all OK because Takeru didn’t feel the same way. That perhaps, even if there was a string leading her to him, there was another on his other pinkie, leading to someone else. That maybe, this was one aspect of her life that hadn’t gone according to plan. 

But now she knew; now she knew how Takeru felt and it was exhilarating and alarming and soul crushing all at once. What was she supposed to do with this information? For so long, she had been content with how things were; she, steadfast and comfortable with her knowledge, and he, oblivious and destined for someone other than her. 

Bringing her hand back down, Hikari rested it on her forehead and let out a choked breath. 

She hadn’t expected requited love to hurt this much.

Or at all, really. 


	2. new year's eve 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is late because honestly, I was tired. Truthfully, I debated not finishing it, but a little burst of reviews encouraged me to keep going. Thanks for your kind words. :)

our coming of age (has come and gone)  
  
 **part two:** first kiss

  
xxx

_but I can see us lost in the memory  
_ _august slipped away into a moment of time  
_ _cause it was never mine_

xxx

True to their word, Ken and Miyako never brought up what happened that night again. 

Though she had requested it, this action on their part sometimes made Hikari feel crazy. As the days passed and the memory of that evening frayed around the edges, she couldn’t help but wonder if she had imagined the whole thing. Was it all just a drunken dream she had upon arriving home? Or had it actually happened?

Despite the sequence of events becoming foggier, she could still remember Takeru’s words and the pitch of his voice when he said them: _Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan_. 

Sometimes, unexpectedly, those words would run through her head. She would be standing in line for an apple pie at Ringo or be sitting on the Keikyu Line to visit her parents and it would hit her, playing on repeat like a song she couldn’t get out of her head. 

_Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan._

Every time, she felt the wind get knocked out of her. She hated it.

Maybe that was why a part of her hoped that it hadn’t happened; that it was all just a dream. It was, at the very least, why she had never bothered asking Ken and Miyako about it, even though that would easily solve her confusion. 

The possibility that it had or hadn’t happened scared her more than the thought of knowing the truth. 

Regardless, she had already decided that the best way forward was to pretend she never heard anything (or dreamt she heard anything). Any discussion about that night with Takeru would end up being messy and no matter which way she looked at it, it wasn’t worth having. So she did what she did best: she put it in a box. 

She loaded it up, all the messy, tangled bits that made up feelings and memories, and sealed the box tight, shoving it on a shelf in her brain with a label that said ‘Do Not Open’. Unless the circumstances were extraordinary or the situation an extreme emergency, she would not unearth it. 

The whole experience should have been a happy one; she knew this. It was not something she was meant to hide in a marked-off part of her brain. She knew that she should be nothing but overjoyed at the thought of Takeru reciprocating her feelings. She should be delighted that her one true love was nothing but fated.

But that was the issue she had with fate; that it was predetermined. And given all she had seen and all she had been through (being possessed multiple times but the age of 15 leaves some scars), she couldn’t help but wonder: were her feelings real? Or was someone else orchestrating them behind the scenes? Was this just another piece of a larger prophecy she was bound to uphold? Or did she love Takeru in a genuine, true way?

No matter how she analyzed it, she couldn’t be sure. She couldn’t determine whether her feelings were her own or whether they were put there by some higher being who wanted her to keep balance in the universe. But she did know that she wanted a love she could be one-hundred percent sure of. 

When it came to her feelings for Takeru, she was far from sure. 

So she packed it up. The next time she saw him, she told herself that nothing was different and carried on as if that were true. 

If he noticed anything off about her behaviour, he didn’t acknowledge it, adding to the confusion she felt. The longer this carried out, the easier it became to put on a mask; to pretend that nothing had changed. Eventually, she was fairly certain the mask had dissolved as she no longer needed it — or, that it had blended into her own face. 

Time went by. The box in her brain collected dust. The seasons changed.

Suddenly, it was New Year’s. 

xxx **  
****  
****new year’s eve 2012**

xxx  
  


Yamato and Sora hosted New Year’s Eve at their apartment in Kichijoji and with ample food and little headbands that spelled out ‘2013’ in gold glittery letters, it was a decidedly classier affair than any of Daisuke’s parties.

Or at least it was until Taichi and Mimi downed a bottle of champagne on empty stomachs in record time. Tipsily, they commandeered the civil game of charades going on in the living room, turning it into a rowdy hybrid of Spin the Bottle and Truth or Dare. 

Effectively, this transformed the evening into one of Daisuke’s parties, just in a 2LDK with real furniture, gyoza, and sound-proof walls.

The rules, Taichi explained, were simple. Taking the empty champagne bottle to demonstrate, he spun it quickly in the center of the living room where they all had gathered and outlined that whoever it landed on would be asked ‘Truth or Dare’? After completing their turn, answering the truth or executing a dare, that person would then spin the bottle and the process would repeat. 

Seated between Takeru and Sora, Hikari couldn’t help but feel that the bottle was an unnecessary element to the game — what exactly did it add except make the game longer? But she wasn’t about to argue with her drunken brother and Mimi, especially the way she was feeling.

Chin resting on her drawn up knees, she felt tired and uncomfortably sober; she had early morning plans to secure fukuburuko the next morning and the required early wake-up call caused her to not want to overdo it. As her friends around her laughed and shouted, all various levels of intoxicated, she felt increasingly out of place.

The close proximity to Takeru wasn’t helping her discomfort. Sitting on the edge of the rug in Sora and Yamato’s living room, his body was so close to hers that she could feel the heat radiating off of him, smell the faint hint of cologne on his skin. Her senses felt on overdrive. 

His closeness had never made her feel anything before, but in recent months, every time she was beside him, it felt like her nerves were on fire, tingly and hot. This extreme reaction was something she often wondered if he noticed, but it also was another tick in the ‘ _that evening definitely happened_ ’ column. She wouldn’t be reacting this way had it all been a dream. 

He shifted beside her to bring his beer to his lips and his arm brushed hers. She shivered.

He turned to her and smiled. “You OK?” he asked, “are you cold?”

Hikari shook her head, feeling her cheeks colour slightly. “I’m fine,” she fibbed, “just felt a little breeze.”

“OK,” Takeru said, taking a sip of his beer. “Funny, I didn’t feel anything.”

“That’s cause you run hot,” Hikari played with the tab on her can of grape Horoyoi. “You’re never cold.”

Takeru shot her a grin. “You saying I’m hot, Hikari?”

Rolling her eyes, Hikari nudged his arm with hers. “Shut up. Pay attention to the game; I think Koushiro might be dying.”

Across from them, Koushiro squeezed the remainder of a packet of wasabi into his mouth, his eyes watering. Slamming it down on the ground beside him, he picked up his beer and chugged it as the room burst into a round of laughter.

“Nice one, Koushiro-senpai!” Daisuke shouted from his spot on the couch, limbs practically tangled with Ken and Miyako’s. “I didn’t know you had it in you!”

“He doesn’t have it in him,” Miyako chided, brow furrowed. “That was a harsh dare, Yamato-san. You know Koushiro-senpai can’t handle heat.”

Lifting a beer to his mouth, Yamato shrugged. “None of you can handle heat,” he took a sip, “he could have said no.”

Beside him, Sora frowned. “You play dirty, Yamato,” she said, looping her arm with his and snuggling against his arm. Glancing down at her, Yamato smiled, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.

“Sorry, Koushiro,” he said, raising his drink in an apology. “But at least it’s your turn to get your revenge.”

Koushiro slammed down his beer, his face bright red. “This game is asinine and I can’t believe you all convinced me to participate, nevermind eat a packet of wasabi.”

“It’s New Year’s Eve!” Mimi piped up, cheerfully, “when was the last time we all got together for New Year’s Eve?! You have to participate, Koushiro-san!”

Shooting her an unamused stare, Koushiro scoffed. “This is all cause you got too drunk, too fast, Mimi-san.”

Mimi frowned. “Hey! That’s not fair!”

Slinging his arm around Mimi’s shoulders and pulling her close, Taichi grinned. “Yeah, it was a joint idea! Give me some credit, too!”

“If you’re not feeling well, you should take a break,” Jyou said, playing with the label on his own beer bottle. “We can pause for a few minutes.”

Koushiro shook his head. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine,” Iori said from his other side. 

“Well I am,” Koushiro said indignantly. “Now let me get my turn over with.”

Leaning forward, he spun the bottle, which circled the group of friends until it came to a stop on Takeru.

“Oh boy,” Takuru said and Hikari felt him laugh beside her. “Please don’t ask me any hard questions, Koushiro-san. I can’t do any math right now.”

Koushiro rolled his eyes. “I’m not going to ask you any math questions, Takeru-san. I know you’re terrible at it.”

Takeru grinned. “Damn straight.”

“So,” Koushiro sighed, as if playing this very game was killing him inside. Hikari suspected that it was. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Takeru said without missing a beat. Always playing it on the safe side. 

Koushiro nodded, bringing a finger to his chin in thoughts. “Okay, how about —”

“Don’t make it lame, Koushiro,” Taichi interjected, slurring slightly. “Make it good. Ask him something good.”

Sora pursed her lips and frowned. “Don’t bug him like that, Taichi,” she scolded. “Let him play the game the way he wants.”

“I don’t want to play the game anymore,” Koushiro said simply, “does that mean I don’t have to?”

Sora blinked. “No. No that’s not what it means,” she folded her arms. “I’m saying just ask Takeru-kun a question, but don’t feel pressure about it.”

Koushiro sighed. “You do realize that you’re just dragging this out, making it more painful for me?” Sora stared back at him, causing Koushiro to sigh again. “OK, fine. Takeru-san,” he began and paused, thinking. “Who...who was your first kiss?”

Hikari felt her heart pick up speed.

Taichi groaned loudly, throwing his head back. “Are you serious, Koushiro? Who is his _first kiss_?! That is the lamest question you could have asked!”

Koushiro scoffed, thoroughly over the situation. “Why is it lame, Taichi?”

“Cause it’s going to be some random we don’t know!” Taichi exclaimed, flinging his beer forward, sending liquid flying “Who cares about that?! Besides, first kisses happen when you’re like, ten, and they don’t even really count.”

“Plus,” Mimi chimed in from his other side, looking unimpressed, “first kisses are only really monumental to the individuals themselves. They are hardly scandalous.”

“She has a point,” Jyou mused from beside Yamato. “It’s not really a big deal. It only really matters when you’re a teenager. Not really something to confess to.”

“See! See!” Taichi yelled, pointing with his beer again, “Even Jyou agrees with me. Who cares?!”

Yamato sighed heavily, pressing his fingers to his brow bone. “Taichi, would you calm down and stop getting beer all over my living room, please? We’re playing fucking truth or dare.”

Koushiro rolled his eyes. “OK, fine, if it’s not such a big deal, then just answer the question and let’s get this over with, Takeru-san. And then I’m not playing anymore, cause frankly, this is stupid.”

Shifting on the floor, Takeru smiled nervously. “I don’t kiss and tell,” he answered simply, before raising his drink and taking a long sip. “Sorry.” 

The room erupted in groans.

“Are you serious right now, Takeru?” Daisuke asked, looking irritated. “Just answer the question.”

Takeru smiled again, smugly this time. “I’m sorry, no can do, I’m a gentleman.”

Taichi ran a hand over his face, as if this were the single most exhausting thing he had ever experienced. “See, this is why you don’t ask lame questions. You get lame answers.”

Mimi elbowed him in the ribs and he gave a little yelp. “Oh, stop,” she shook her head. “But Takeru-kun, if it’s someone we don’t really know, what does it matter? Like Jyou-senpai said, this isn’t really a big deal!”

Swallowing, Hikari could tell Takeru was getting more anxious. Her own heart was pounding. “Then why do I have to answer it, then?”

“You don’t,” Sora said kindly, smiling at Takeru softly. “Don’t force him into answering, guys.”

“No, now I wanna know!” Daisuke exclaimed. “Takeru has always been a lady killer. I wanna know who the first victim was!” 

Ken frowned. “That’s gross, Daisuke.”

Takeru fidgeted nervously, glancing over at Hikari. Her heart all but stopped when his eyes met hers. 

A beat passed and the room fell into an eerie silence.

Mimi broke it. 

“Wait a second!” she exclaimed, straightening and pointing over at the pair. “What was _that_?!”

Takeru broke eye contact with Hikari, glancing away as quickly as he had glanced over. “What was what?”

“Why did you look at Hikari?!” Miyako said loudly, sitting up out of Ken’s arms and shoving Daisuke out of the way. “You totally looked at Hikari!”

“I did not,” Takeru responded calmly. 

“He looked at Hikari-chan?!” Daisuke balked, sitting up as well. “Why would you look at Hikari-chan?!”

“Yes,” Taichi chimed in, his voice suddenly lower and more level. He narrowed his eyes. “Why would you look at my sister?”

Anxiously, Takeru looked back at Hikari and she winced. Out of all of the movements he could have made, that was the exact wrong one. Why couldn’t he think on his feet faster? It was probably all of the alcohol; he had had far more than her. 

Pressing her lips together, Hikari sighed inwardly. There was no going back now. 

“It’s OK,” Hikari said softly, giving him a gentle smile, despite her nerves. “I don’t mind.”

“What?” Mimi all but shouted, “What don’t you mind?! What is going on?”

Exhaling sharply, Takeru turned back to the group, his cheeks a soft pink. Hikari could tell that now, he was avoiding looking at her. 

“My first kiss was Hikari-chan, OK?” he said matter of factly. He raised his beer and took a long drink, before leaning towards the champagne bottle. “Is it my turn now?”

The room burst into chatter. 

“Your first kiss was _Hikari-chan_ ?!” Daisuke practically jumped off the couch. “Your first kiss was _Hikari-chan_?”

Taichi’s face scrunched up in disgust. “Your first kiss was my sister? That’s _disgusting_! Yamato, our siblings kissed! Isn’t that disgusting?!”

Taking a slow sip of his drink, Yamato rolled his eyes. “Taichi, please calm down.”

“When?!” Miyako pounced, “when was this?!”

“We were fourteen,” Hikari said calmly, though her whole body felt like it was shaking. “It’s not a big deal.” 

“Um, no, it’s a huge deal!” Mimi insisted, “this is a first kiss story that’s actually interesting! No wonder you didn’t want to answer, Takeru! Spill all the deets!” 

Takeru sighed and took another drink. “I would rather not.”

“Fourteen is kind of late for a first kiss,” Miyako mused. Ken pinched her thigh. 

“Ow!” she yelped, turning to whack her boyfriend in the arm. “What? It is!”

“My first kiss was at sixteen and it was you,” Ken said simply, “so what are you saying?”

Miyako flushed a dark red. “I-I-”

“My first kiss was Jyou,” Mimi offered up, grinning. “I was thirteen. It was really romantic.”

Taichi’s mouth dropped open. “Your first kiss was _Jyou_ ?!” he glanced over at Jyou, a panicked look on his face. “ _You_ were Mimi’s first kiss?!”

Jyou shrugged, a soft smile playing on his lips. “We were just kids. It’s not a big deal. It’s a fond memory, right Mimi-kun?”

“How come you never told me?!” Taichi turned back to Mimi. “How did I not know this?!”

Mimi furrowed a brow. “Um, why _would_ you know? Besides, you never asked!” 

Taichi’s mouth snapped shut. “I, well, I—”

Sora sighed, sensing that the atmosphere in the room had bursted into equal parts chaotic and tense. Brushing a strand of hair out of her face, she looked over at her boyfriend, who met her eyes and nodded in response.

“Alright,” Yamato said, standing up. He cracked his knuckles and surveyed the room. “If you literal monsters are done making everyone uncomfortable about nonsense that happened when we were teenagers, it’s almost midnight and we’re out of beer. I need someone to come with me to Lawson to get some more. Taichi, Daisuke,” he motioned to each, “I’m volunteering you both.”

Taichi’s face fell. “Why me?!” he whined, “I’m drunk!”

“That’s exactly why,” Yamato grinned, yanking his friend up by the arm. “You need some fresh air.”

“Who was your first kiss, Yamato-senpai?” Daisuke asked as he untangled himself from the couch. “Was it Sora-san?”

“No,” Yamato said plainly, “and I’m not elaborating further.”

Around them, the game dissolved, Taichi and Daisuke dutifully following Yamato out of the apartment, while Ken and Mimi went to help Sora in the kitchen. Iori and Jyou settled into a conversation about recent politics, while Miyako went out on the balcony for what Hikari assumed was a cigarette. 

As the room cleared, Koushiro turned to Hikari and Takeru sheepishly, 

“I’m sorry,” he said, giving a small bow in apology. “I really didn’t want to play this game and I thought it was a dumb, innocent question that would just keep things moving. I didn’t expect everyone to tear into you guys. 

Hikari and Takeru exchanged a glance and shook their heads. “It’s OK,” Takeru said, smiling. “They’ll forget in an hour anyway.”

“Besides,” Hikari said, laying a gentle hand on Koushiro’s arm, “how could you have known?”

Still looking torn, Koushiro nodded. “I still feel bad.”

“Don’t,” Hikari insisted, squeezing his arm. “Like everyone said, it’s really not a big deal. We all just thrive on inner-Chosen gossip. Did you see the reaction when Mimi said Jyou was her first kiss?” 

Despite himself, Koushiro grinned. “That was fascinating to learn. Who would have thought?”

Takeru shrugged. “They were pretty close at that age.” 

“Yeah, the more interesting part was my brother’s reaction,” Hikari winked. “If he thinks I’m not going to interrogate him about that later, he has another think coming.” Standing up, she brushed off her dress. “I’m going to go to the washroom. I’ll be right back.”

As she made her way out of the room, she could feel Takeru’s eyes lingering on her back. 

She stepped into the washroom and leaned against the door. Letting out a deep breath, she pressed her hand to her chest. 

Her heart was still pounding. 

x x x

For a kiss that occurred nearly ten years ago, Hikari remembered everything about it. 

She remembered how she felt, heavy and exhausted, just days after everything that happened with Meiko and Meicoomon. She remembers the pain she felt, raw and pulsing, her anger at her brother stronger than she had ever thought she was capable of. She remembers feeling an ache in her bones, in her joints, and in her skin, like nothing was ever going to really feel normal again. 

She remembers visiting Daisuke and the others, the experience rubbing salt in the open wound that was her guilt. She remembers the potent smell of chemicals in the hospital room, her nose itching. She remembers trying not to cry when Iori wouldn’t speak to her or Takeru. She remembers not succeeding. 

She remembers walking home with Takeru in total silence, both unable to speak. She remembers it was hot that day, the air humid and thick, and she remembers feeling the sweat trickle down her back. She remembers quietly requesting that they stop at the beach, cause she just couldn’t think about going home and being alone with her thoughts, just one room away from her brother who she still couldn’t quite look at. 

She remembers sitting along the shoreline with Takeru, the sun turning into golden, peach ripples across the water. She remembers the high-pitched laughter of children as they rain behind them, playing and dreaming without a care in the world. She remembers wondering what that would be like. 

She remembers watching Takeru put his hands into his head and his shoulders begin to shake. She remembers watching the lines of them tremble up and down and she remembers thinking to herself that she had seen him cry so many times over the years. She remembers wondering, once again, when his shoulders had gotten so broad. She remembers wondering when he grew up.

She remembers him talking about how guilty and how awful he felt, how nothing was ever going to return to normal. She remembers not knowing what to say other than, “Me too”. She remembers saying that she wished none of this — none of it — had happened. She remembers him crying harder at that. 

She remembers wrapping her arm around his shoulders and leaning her head against his bicep, the feeling of his shirt soft against her cheek. She remembers the feeling of hot tears as they trickled down her own face and seeped into the fabric. She remembers the feeling of the sand, grainy and rough against her skin. 

She remembers this lasting a while. She remembers not saying anything. She remembers the sounds of their tears being the only thing she could hear. She remembers wondering if anyone noticed them. 

She remembers eventually calming down. She remembers Takeru’s sobs eventually quieting. She remembers turning to him and seeing the same pain she was feeling reflected in his eyes and she remembers feeling she could melt into him. She remembers thinking that at that moment, their thoughts, feelings, and hearts, must be totally in sync. 

She remembers thinking that there was no one in the universe who would understand her, in this moment, in every moment, more than Takeru. 

She remembers staring at him for a moment. She remembers wishing anything would take the pain away. She remembers wanting to feel anything else. She remembers wanting to take this feeling away from both of them. She remembers not being sure where it came from, but feeling the overwhelming urge to be close to him. She remembers wanting to be closer to him than she ever had been before. 

She remembers lifting her hand to his cheek and how he had leaned into her, before placing his fingers over hers. She remembers as Takeru’s gaze fell from her eyes to her lips. She remembers the gentle thump of her heart in her chest as they moved together, leaning forward. 

She doesn’t remember who made the first move. 

She remembers the soft feeling of his lips against her own, the gentle pull and push. She remembers her breath getting caught in her throat. She remembers the feel of the tears against his skin. She remembers not being sure if they were hers or his. She remembers feeling like she was breathing and suffocating all at the same time.

She remembers pulling away. She remembers Takeru’s shy smile and soft eyes. 

“That was my first kiss,” she remembers him saying.  
  
“Mine too,” she remembers saying back. 

“You stole my first kiss,” he remembers him laughing.

She remembers grinning and saying, “Well, too late, I don’t give refunds.”

She remembers sitting there for a while longer, holding hands and not saying anything. She remembers slowly getting up, her legs still feeling like jelly, but more sturdy now. She remembers him asking if she wanted to make one more stop before going home. She remembers nodding yes. 

She remembers going to Aqua City and getting ice cream from MouMou. She remembers hers had strawberries in it. She remembers Takeru’s was plain. She remembers that it was sweet against her tongue. She remembers that she could taste Takeru’s kiss on her lips when she took her first bite. 

She remembers him walking her home, no longer holding her hand, but still walking close to her. She remembers waving to him goodbye at her apartment door and telling him that she’d call him later. She remembers going to bed and falling into a deep sleep the moment her head hit the pillow. 

She remembers seeing him again and neither of them bringing it up. She remembers the unspoken decision they came to and not bringing it up again. She remembers thinking that it was just another shared moment of pain between them, the pair of them finding a way to find new comfort in the other, just as they always had. She remembers thinking that it was not a big deal. 

She remembers putting it in a box and shelving it. She remembers forgetting where she put it. 

Until tonight. 

x x x  
  


Stepping out of the bathroom, Hikari found Takeru standing outside, leaning against the wall. 

“Hey,” he said, smiling awkwardly, propping himself off the wall. He looked nervous, his hands fidgeting with the bottom of his jacket. He swallowed before continuing. “Can we talk quickly?”

Blinking, Hikari’s heart continued to hammer in her chest. She nodded, following Takeru as he made his way into Yamato and Sora’s spare room. 

Yamato and Sora were the only ones out of their friend group who had things ‘together’ enough to have a 2LDK. Hikari suspected that was probably because they were _together_ , in every sense of the word, partners in life for over ten years. On top of the shared income, they had also spent years motivating and supporting each other to follow their passions and dreams, a dynamic that had caused them both to see moderate success at the beginning of their careers. As a result, they were also the only ones who had a spare room in their apartment. 

While the space was largely used as an office, it was used as a studio for both Yamato and Sora’s creative endeavors. A piano keyboard was set up on one side, with reems of sheet music, next to some fancy looking sound equipment and speakers beside Yamato’s bass. Across from it was a long table with a sewing machine, covered in stacks of fabric and patterns. A mannequin wearing the beginnings of a red dress stood proudly in the corner. 

What must it be like to be like Yamato and Sora? Hikari thought. So passionate and so _together_ , in every sense of the word. What did they talk about over dinner? What didn’t they talk about? 

Takeru let out a sigh, knocking Hikari out of her thoughts. She glanced over at him and he seemed more confused and disheveled that he had previously. He ran a hand through his hair, looking flustered. “I’m sorry about what happened in there,” he said, frowning, “I didn’t want to answer.”

Hikari shook her head, feeling a pang at how upset he looked. “No, it’s okay,” Hikari said, taking a step closer to him. “You were kind of backed into a corner and like I said, it’s not really a big deal. Everyone made it pretty clear that first kisses are a non-event.”

Takeru’s frown grew deeper, and he moved even closer to her. “You say that, but you left the room pretty quickly.”

“I did not leave the room pretty quickly,” feeling her face flush, Hikari glanced away from him. “I had to go to the bathroom.”

“Hikari-chan,” Takeru sounded exasperated. “You took the first opportunity you could to get out of there. You practically ran out of the room.”

Sighing, Hikari wrung her hands together. “I just…” she trailed off, swallowing. How could she explain to him that she put this in a box and it was not to be touched? How could she explain the difficulty of having it flung wide open in front of everyone they knew? 

How could she even begin to bring this up without opening up other boxes in her mind?

“Hey,” Takeru placed his hands on her arms and rubbed up and down in a comforting motion. “Are you OK? I know everyone can be a lot.” 

Hikari glanced up and met his eyes. She felt her breath hitch. 

The way that he was looking at here, concerned and nervous and with that...that _something_. It made her heart lurch. 

Had he always looked at her like that? She wondered. Had she just never noticed? 

She feels herself shiver again. Goosebumps erupted on her skin. 

“Whoa,” Takeru said, still running his hands up and down. “You really are cold. Are you sure you’re not getting sick?”

“No,” Hikari insisted, the feeling of his hands starting to make her dizzy. “This dress is just a little thin.”

Takeru raised his eyebrows. “Oh. If you’re cold, you can take my jacket,” he said, pulling away to begin removing it. “Like you said, I always run hot so—”

“No,” Hikari cut him off, her tone harsher than she had intended. “I’m OK. You can keep your jacket.”

Takeru stilled his motions and narrowed his eyes slightly. “Hikari,” he said slowly as he pulled his jacket back on. “About what happened earlier, are you sure you’re OK? Cause you seem on edge.”

Hikari bit her lip. God, how he could read her. “I’m fine,” she said, glancing down at her shoes. “I just haven’t thought about it in a really long time and it reminded me of all of the bad things that happened back then. I’m sorry if I seem weird.”

Looking back up at Takeru, she noticed his face had taken on another nervous expression. “What?” she asked. 

Takeru swallowed, breaking eye contact with her and glancing to the side. “You haven’t thought about it in a really long time?”

Hikari blinked. “No,” she furrowed her brows. “I haven’t.” She paused, before wetting her lips with her tongue. “Why?”

A silence fell over them. A loop of the repeated words Hikari had heard all those months ago began playing in her head. 

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

She knew then that they must be very real.

Another beat passed between them. Takeru ran his hand through his hair, looking tired. 

“Hikari-chan, I—”

“Well, well, well, well,” Taichi’s voice boomed from behind them. “What do we have here?!”

Hikari swung around to see her brother in the doorway, hand laced with Mimi’s, both wearing a devious look on their faces. She rolled her eyes.

“You don’t have anything,” she said plainly, folding her arms. “We’re just talking, onii-chan.”

“Just talking?” Taichi simpered and Hikari felt her irritation tick upwards; he was so drunk. “After that lil admission out there, I’m sorry if I don’t quite believe you.”

Takeru came to stand beside Hikari.“And what are _you two_ doing here?” he said pointedly. “Holding hands? Going to a spare room?”

Taichi immediately dropped Mimi’s hand. 

“We asked you first!” Mimi said, face bright pink.“What are you two doing in a spare room?”

“We’re best friends,” Hikari folded her arms. “We’re just talking. It’s normal for us to be together. Not so much you two. What’s your excuse?”

Taichi looked at Mimi, nervously, and rubbed the back of his neck. “We’re um,”

“We’re just looking for some quiet!” Mimi piped up, laughing a little too loudly. “It’s so loud out there!”

Takeru grinned brightly. “Uh huh,” he folded his arms, “and what do you guys need quiet for?”

Taichi and Mimi exchanged an anxious glance and Takeru burst out laughing. 

“It couldn’t be more obvious what you two are up to unless you just confessed,” he chuckled. “Right, Hikari-chan?”

Hikari grinned back at him. “As obvious as the nose on our faces. I thought you two seemed pretty close out there.”

“Man,” Takeru sighed. “Young love. And I thought you said he rejected you, Mimi-chan.”

Taichi’s face fell and he groaned. “Oh my god, are you telling people I rejected you?” he exclaimed, turning to Mimi. “I was sixteen and you were living in America! What was I supposed to do?! It would have never worked! We were kids!” 

Mimi pouted, folding her arms. “I told you I was probably moving back soon!”

“You said that all of the time back then!” Taichi threw his hands up. “How was I supposed to believe you?”

“I wouldn’t have confessed if I didn’t think anything would happen!”

Takeru leaned in close to Hikari. “Time to run for it,” he said, his breath hot on her ear. “While they’re distracted.”

She nodded and together, they made their way out of the room. 

x x x  
  


When midnight struck, the apartment burst into cheers. Around Hikari, her friends shouted ‘Happy New Year’ to each other merrily, pulling one another into hugs and kisses and other displays of affection they otherwise wouldn’t partake in without alcohol. 

Daisuke leaned over and kissed Ken full on the mouth, much to Miyako’s annoyance, who began screaming at her friend about how dare he kiss _her_ boyfriend at _midnight_ on _New Year’s_?! Ken, meanwhile, blushed so brightly that Hikari was worried the spike in temperature would make him pass out. 

Jyou, Iori, and Koushiro clanked beers in the corner, grinning and wrapping their arms around each other, laughing as they pulled out their phones to send New Year’s messages to loved ones and friends and significant others who were not there. 

Yamato and Sora kissed quietly, sweetly in the kitchen, just by the fridge where no one could really see them. Hikari made an active effort not to look in their direction, not wanting to intrude. 

Taichi and Mimi were nowhere to be seen. 

Beside her, Takeru looped his hand through hers and squeezed. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to her cheek, a motion he had performed hundreds of times before. 

It felt different. She couldn’t deny it anymore. 

“Happy New Year, Hikari-chan,” he whispered. 

She turned to him and smiled. “Happy New Year, Takeru-kun.”

Dropping his hand, she left his side, and went to hug Miyako. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, this got much longer than I expected. It is difficult trying to give all 12 Chosen some screen-time in one scene. I likely won't do it again. Apologies to Iori, who I think I gave one line to. At least I did not write you out of this chapter again, though. 
> 
> I'll try to update soon, but my Sorato coffee shop AU is demanding my attention, and it is much more time consuming due to length and the amount of research that goes into it. But I will update! Next chapter will be focused solely on Takeru or Hikari. Or almost solely; I can't promise one of the others won't show up. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	3. spring 2013

our coming of age (has come and gone) 

  
**part three:** digital world visit   
  


x x x  
  


**spring 2013**

_and right before your eyes  
_ _I’m breaking  
_ _no past, no reasons why  
_ _nowhere to hide  
_ _just you and me_

  
  
x x x  
  


No one ever talks about what it feels like to travel to the Digital World; what the process of having your flesh and blood scattered into data does to a person physically. 

It feels like you’re dying.  
  
For one split second, after the flash of the computer screen, everything goes completely blank. You can’t breathe, you can’t see, you can’t think — you’re numb except for a sharp, tingling pain and a ringing in your ears. You know that you exist; that your DNA is being rewritten into something else entirely, and you just have to wait one second more and it will be over, but you also think for a moment that this might be the end. 

Hikari never got used to it. Each time she travels to the Digital World, she feels it again, the moment of complete, terrifying unconsciousness, and it scares her to her core. Each time, for the smallest of quick seconds, she wonders if she might be dead. 

As she gets older, the feeling seems to be getting more painful; they had all agreed that what had once been a manageable sting now felt sometimes excruciating. She knows that within their group, how they react to the feeling varies. 

Taichi and Daisuke were always the types to grit their teeth and say it was nothing. “It’s just like getting a soccer ball to the chest!” Daisuke had once exclaimed. “No sweat!” Sora and Yamato were the ‘smile through the pain’ types, acting like it didn’t bother them, but quietly admitting how scary it was later. Hikari knew that Mimi and Jyou couldn’t really stand it at all and that they preferred to keep their Digimon with them in Tokyo as much as possible to avoid travelling back and forth.

In the grand scheme of things, it’s a small price to pay; this moment of absolute physical fear is nothing compared to the ache that was felt in the years where the gate was closed. But it doesn’t lessen the discomfort - it doesn’t make it go away. 

Regardless, every time the Digital World calls, she answers. No matter how anxious she may sometimes feel, she still goes every time she is needed. 

The afternoon she is asked to go to the Digital World to assist with a clean up after a pack of Kiwimon laid to waste one of the Tanemon’s crop fields, she goes without hesitation. 

She tells herself that the anxiety she feels is connected to the fear around travelling. 

She tells herself it has nothing to do with the fact that Takeru is the sole person who will be joining her.   
  


x x x   
  


Since New Year’s Eve, things between Hikari and Takeru hadn’t been the same.

She couldn’t quite put her finger on it; couldn’t quite place the moment when it all had changed — when something had shifted. She had been doing so well for months at containing all of the feelings and emotions inside their neat boxes and suddenly, it had been impossible to continue to do so. She could no longer deny that things between them weren’t quite what they were; she couldn’t ignore that the boxes in her mind had been flung open and wouldn’t stay shut.

Was it the way he awkwardly glanced at her before divulging to their closest friends that they had once kissed? Was it the soft stroke of his hands on her arms? Was it the expression on his face when she found him in the hallway, waiting for her outside the bathroom? Or was it the moment that passed between them, when he had been ready to say something in Yamato and Sora’s spare room before Taichi and Mimi burst in?

Hikari wasn’t sure. All she knew was that now, every time she saw Takeru, she felt uncomfortable. Every time they were in the same room, her skin felt hot and itchy and she anxiously felt pulled to the nearest exit, her heart hammering so hard in her chest it hurt. Conversations between them became stilted as she fumbled and searched for words that felt stiff and out of place. 

She didn’t know what else to say anymore. She didn’t know how to talk to him without the same words ringing through her ears on a loop like a broken record.

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

_“Of course I have feelings for Hikari-chan.”_

The words played on repeat, turning into something ugly and scary. It now hung between them, unspoken and heavy, and she didn’t know what to do about it. She didn’t know how to go on. 

She knew Takeru had noticed. How could he not? Putting distance between them, even the smallest bit, left a gaping hole in their lives. They were used to doing everything together; he was her go-to friend, her first call, and in so many ways, her other half. So when she started declining his invitations to hang out or taking a little bit longer to respond to his texts, he noticed. 

When asked about it, she said she was busy, just overwhelmed with school work. When he offered to help or to lend an ear to listen, she cheerfully brushed him off, saying she would be fine and it was really nothing. 

She knew he didn’t believe her, but he gave her space anyway. His silent acceptance of her behaviour was worse than if he got mad at her. She had never hated herself so much.

Because the truth was, Hikari had no idea what she was doing. She had no idea why she was pushing Takeru so far away after learning that he had feelings for her. Why couldn’t she just live with it? Why wouldn’t the box close again? All she knew was that the thought of admitting that she reciprocated those feelings made her feel sick to her stomach. 

She no longer knew how to live her compartmentalized life. So until she could, or until Takeru moved on, the distance between them would stay.

Needless to say, finding out Takeru was the only other volunteer for that afternoon’s trip to the Digital World had sent her for a bit of a tizzy. How was she going to get through an unknown amount of hours together? How would she fill the empty spaces that had appeared? How could she dodge them? She had considered, briefly, not going at all, but she had already agreed and the clean up at the Tanemon’s village was definitely going to be a two person job. 

Upon arrival at the Digital World, Takeru had greeted her warmly, having arrived just before her. She greeted him back, mustering up whatever strength she could to seem just as warm; she knew it sounded strained. Thankfully, Patamon and Tailmon appeared shortly after, chattering at a mile a minute about the situation at hand, leading them to the scene of the crime. 

But distraction only lasted for so long; the task was completed eventually, the Tanemon’s crops assessed and the gardens cleaned up. Patamon and Tailmon drifted off, preferring not to come back to Tokyo to instead watch over the village for another couple of nights just in case.

And so she and Takeru headed home together, in relative silence.

Until they became hopelessly lost. 

“The gate is definitely not this way,” Takeru said, letting out a heavy sigh. “I don’t recognize anything around here.”

Hikari bit her lip, surveying their surroundings. He was right; the trees around them looked unfamiliar and foreign. “I thought it was this way. I guess I was wrong.”

“It’s possible this is where the gate was originally and the area reset itself,” Takeru placed his hands on his hips, glancing at the foliage. “It’s happened before.”

“Maybe,” Hikari folded her arms. The Digital World was a giant expanse of ever changing data, constantly updating and reconfiguring itself. It made it difficult to stay on a clear path some days, especially since the maps Koushiro had developed took at least 24 hours to reset after any changes. 

She peered at Takeru from the corner of her eye; he seemed exasperated, his expression tired. He had mentioned that he had just come from class, so getting lost in the Digital World was probably the last thing he wanted to do. 

As her eyes made their way down his face, she wondered to herself how long it had been since she had seen him. Three weeks? Maybe four? Aside from the odd text here or there, they hadn’t had much contact lately. 

It was one-hundred percent her doing. 

Despite his obvious irritation, Takeru looked good, if a little dressed up. He wore a blue patterned sweater, dark jeans, and white sneakers. A dark coat dangled across one arm; it had been perfect for Tokyo, but too warm for the Digital World. 

She glanced away. She would be lying if she ever tried to say that there was a point where she hadn’t thought Takeru was attractive; since she was a kid, she thought he was the most beautiful boy in the world. But now, looking at him felt too charged, especially with all of the time that had passed since she had last seen him. 

All the time she had intentionally missed.

“Fuck,” Takeru murmured under his breath. “I’m going to be late.”

Hikari lifted an eyebrow. “Late? Do you have plans?”

Running a hand over his face, Takeru nodded. “Yeah, I have a date; I’m supposed to meet her in Aoyama in an hour.” He sighed heavily. “I can’t even text her.”

“Oh,” Hikari said, turning away from him slightly. “Well, let’s keep going — there should be a gate entrance soon.”

“If we’re lucky,” Takeru groaned. “If the Digital World reset itself, we could be wandering around in circles all night.”

Hikari wrung her hands together, unsure of what to do. “Maybe let’s go back to the Tanemon village then,” she offered. “If Patamon and Tailmon are still there, they can hopefully help us get to a gate.”

Takeru nodded. “Lead the way.”

As they began to walk back the way they came, Takeru cleared his throat. 

“I haven’t heard much from you lately,” he said softly; she could sense the hesitation in his voice. The sound of it made her heart squeeze. “Are you doing okay?”

“Fine,” she said quickly, keeping her eyes on the path in front of them. The trees weren’t looking any more familiar this way either. The Digital World had definitely reset. “Just busy with school.”

“Ah,” Takeru replied, ducking his head down. “Guess graduation is coming up pretty soon.”

She nodded. “Yeah, in a few weeks.”

“Any bites on jobs?” Takeru asked, slipping his coat back on. 

“Not really,” Hikari chuckled awkwardly. “I’ve applied to a couple, but haven’t heard anything.”

“You’ll find something,” Takeru said confidently. “Any school would be lucky to have you. Just take your time and be easy on yourself.”

Feeling her cheeks warm up, Hikari tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Um, thanks. What about you? Any post-graduation plans?”

“Sort of,” he said with a shrug. “I’m going to be doing a placement at my mom’s publication for a bit. Nepotism at its finest, but I could use the leg up.”

At this, Hikari brightened. “That’s still fantastic!” she said, happily, genuinely. “Congratulations! That’s great news. When did you find out?”

Takeru winced. “Um, about a month ago.”

Hikari blinked, surprised. A whole month had passed since he found out and Takeru hadn’t said anything? The gap between them must have been larger than even she realized. “Oh...that’s great.”

“Sorry,” Takeru said quickly, “that I didn’t tell you. You just seemed like you maybe needed space.”

“No,” Hikari waved her hands, “don’t apologize. Graduation just has me a little out of sorts. It’s been hard to keep up.”

Takeru smiled gently. “No worries. I’ve been busy, too.”

Hikari shot him a small smile in return. “Not so busy you can’t go out on a date in Aoyama though, huh?” she teased, easily falling into old habits. “Where did you meet her?”

“Class,” Takeru gave a little shrug and grinned. “She’s really sweet. It’s our fourth date.”

At this, Hikari felt her mouth drop slightly. He had been out with her multiple times? “Your fourth date?” 

Takeru nodded. “Yeah. I think I really like her.”

HIkari’s heart began to pick up speed. Takeru was seeing someone? Takeru really liked someone? Takeru never said he really liked someone. For all of his dating around and all of his brief flings and girlfriends, he never really expressed feelings for anyone. What did this mean? Did it mean he was serious about her? 

And what did it mean about his feelings for her? 

“Oh, wow,” she breathed. “You really like her?”

“Yeah,” Takeru said bashfully. “She’s a broadcast major and has this million watt smile that just kind of makes me melt and this gorgeous soft ginger red hair.”

“Wow,” Hikari repeated. She had no idea what to say. She had heard Takeru moon over girls before, but somehow, this time, it felt different. 

Just like everything else in their interactions.

She cleared her throat. “Do you think you’re going to keep seeing her?”

Takeru shrugged nonchalantly. “Maybe. Hopefully. It’s too early to tell, but I’d like to. We’ll see where it goes.”

Hikari smiled tightly. “Wow. That’s um, great.”

Beside, Takeru let out a little laugh. “You seem quite amazed by the changes in my romantic life, Hikari-chan.”

“Sorry?” Hikari asked, confused.

“That’s the third time you’ve said wow in the span of two minutes,” Takeru grinned. “Is it that surprising that I’d find someone to tolerate my bullshit?”

Hikari shook her head. “No, it’s just…” she bit her lip. “It’s just weird that all this has been going on and I had no idea. It’s just weird that you never told me.”

Takeru’s smile faltered. “Kind of hard to do when you don’t answer my texts, Hikari-chan.”

Her stomach dropped and she bowed her head, trying to hide the bloom of pink that burst across her cheeks. “Sorry,” she said, embarrassed. “I’ve just been —”

“Busy, I know,” Takeru cut in. He swallowed, a conflicted look running across his face, before taking a deep breath and continuing. “You’ve, um, been busy for a while.”

Hikari glanced over at him. “I’m sorry?”

“It’s just that you’ve been busy since January,” Takeru said, not meeting her gaze. “It’s been a while.”

“I have been busy,” Hikari said, knowing her voice sounded defensive. “School has been really demanding.

Beside her, Takeru let out a sigh. “I know. I know.”

HIkari stopped walking, turning to face him. “I’m sorry,” she said, though she wasn’t quite sure what she was apologizing for. “It’s just been a lot.”

Takeru glanced at her and as their eyes met, she felt something inside of her lurch. The hurt that was reflected in them was hard to look at. 

“What has been a lot, exactly, Hikari-chan?” he asked carefully, measured. “School or something else?”

Hikari frowned. Something in his tone of voice made her pause. “School, of course. What do you mean something else?”

Dragging a hand through his hair, Takeru sighed. “School, huh?”

Twisting her hands together, Hikari shrugged meekly. “Yes, school. It’s...it’s busy.”

His eyes darted over to her and then away again. “Hikari-chan, I...can we talk?”

“Sure. We are talking,” Hikari said, her heart picking up speed. “We’re talking right now.”

“Don’t,” Takeru shook his head, “don’t do that. You know that’s not what I mean.”

“Sorry,” she said, moving to clench her fists. “I...sorry.”

Takeru wet his lips with his tongue and let out a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this Hikari-chan, but this distance between us…” he swallowed, “I can’t take it anymore. So can I just lay it all out here? Can we just get everything out? Cause I’m tired.”

“Do _what_ anymore?” Hikari could hear her heartbeat in her ears. “Lay _what_ out?”

“You’ve been acting weird since New Year’s, Hikari-chan,” he began, sounding exhausted. “You rarely answer my calls. You almost never text me back. When was the last time we saw each other? A month ago, at Taichi-san’s? We make plans and you cancel at the last minute. You’ve never done this before; we’ve...we’ve never been this far apart. So to start with, I’m laying out that.”

“Takeru-kun, I’ve been busy,” Hikari insisted, nails digging into her palms. “I have barely seen anyone.”

Takeru laughed humourously. “Even if that’s true, since when am I _anyone_ , Hikari-chan? You’re not just anyone to me. No matter what life was like, we have always made time for each other and now suddenly, you won’t even text me back. This is the longest we’ve gone without really talking. It’s killing me.”

Hikari bit her lip, feeling small and ashamed. She knew deep down, all these months, that she was hurting him. “Takeru-kun, I—” she paused, unsure of what to say next. “I just…have been dealing with a lot.”

“And since when do you not come to me when you’re dealing with a lot, Hikari-chan?” Takeru pressed a hand to his forehead. “You think it’s hard to hear that I have been dating and haven’t told you about it? How do you think it makes me feel to hear you’ve been going through a lot and completely shutting me out in the process?”

“I’m not shutting you out,” Hikari rushed out, her body tense and rigid. “I just need to deal with it on my own.”

Takeru stared at her, his blue eyes boring into hers. “You know, I thought about it,” he said, “I thought that maybe you really did need space. That maybe something really was wrong.” He looked away, a hurt expression passing over his face .”But then I started to hear from Miyako and Daisuke that they had seen you recently. Even my brother and Sora-san...you met them for dinner. And I realized you were pushing me away. It hurt a lot and I knew something really was wrong, but not what I thought.”

He kicked at a rock on the ground. “I thought about it; tried to determine when it all started. And when I realized it was New Year’s, that you started to detach yourself from me then, it was when I knew that a hunch of mine must be correct. That something I had suspected must be true.”

Clenching and unclenching her fists, Hikari kept her eyes fixed on her shoes. “What was true?”

Takeru let out a deep breath. “I knew that you heard what I said that night at Daisuke’s last summer.”

Hikari’s head snapped up so quickly, she felt dizzy. “What?”

“You overheard me, didn’t you?” He swallowed nervously. “You heard me say at Daisuke’s that I have feelings for you and it’s been making things weird between us ever since. When I brought up our kiss at New Year’s, it somehow made everything worse.”

She felt lightheaded. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Takeru-kun.”

“Hikari-chan, please don’t lie to me,” Takeru’s voice sounded small, almost sad. “I can see it all over your face, just like I saw it all over your face the minute you walked through the door that night. I just hoped so much that maybe you hadn’t heard anything, had convinced myself that you hadn’t because I knew what it would do to our friendship. But I know you did, especially now when you’ve been pushing me away for months. It’s the only thing that makes sense. So please, don’t lie to me.”

Hikari clasped her hands to her chest, as if trying to contain her heart. “Why didn’t you say anything?” she asked, her voice trembling. “Why didn’t you say anything if you knew that I knew?”

Takeru gaped. “ _Why_ didn’t I say anything? Hikari-chan, it’s the same reason I’ve never said anything. I know that you don’t feel the same way about me. What I said that night is true; it’s about self-preservation. I didn’t want to get hurt and I didn’t want to destroy our friendship.”

He shoved his hands in his coat pockets. “Your friendship is one of the most important things in the world to me.”

Hikari felt her eyes well up with tears and she willed herself to keep it together. “It’s important to me, too.”

“I know,” Takeru responded, not looking at her. 

Silence settled over them, heavy, sticky, and uncomfortable. Wrapping her arms around herself, Hikari looked anywhere but him. Here was her best friend in the world; Takeru, beautiful, smart, kind Takeru, telling her in a roundabout way he had feelings for her and she wanted the ground to swallow her whole. “I’m sorry.”

“No,” Takeru rubbed his face with his hands. “Don’t be sorry. I know you didn’t say anything cause you didn’t want to have to reject me. But it’s okay; I long ago accepted that this,” he gestures between them, “wasn’t going to happen.”

Hikari didn’t dare look up. “Long ago?”

“Well, yeah,” Takeru sighed, “I’ve loved you since I was eight. I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the idea of those feelings not being reciprocated.”

Hikari froze at his words. He said he loved her. Loved her. He _loved_ her? He couldn’t _love_ her. That was so much worse than just having feelings for her. 

“Love?” she said softly, quietly. “You love me?”

Across from her, against the soft pastels of the digital trees, Takeru looked mortified, his face now bright red. His mouth opened and then closed before responding. “I...didn’t mean to say that.”

“But you did,” Hikari dropped her arms from her shoulders. Her heart was pounding so fast in her chest, she was positive she might pass out. “You said you’ve loved me since you were eight.”

Takeru lifted his hands, defeated. “That’s because I have Hikari-chan, and I’ve known since I was about thirteen. But I knew that you didn’t feel the same way. I’ve always known that.”

“I’m sorry,” Hikari closed her eyes. She didn’t know what to say other than sorry. She didn’t know how to speak without telling him that he was wrong, that she felt the exact same way, but she knew that this wouldn’t be good for them. That she knew it wasn’t what she wanted cause she could never be sure if she wanted it, or if someone wanted it for her. 

“Please stop,” Takeru held his hands up in front of him, “please stop saying you’re sorry. It’s honestly just making me feel worse.”

Hikari bit her lip. “I’m sorry.”

Takeru sighed. “Okay. But now that it’s out there...can we just...can we just move on? Pretend that this never happened?”

His eyes looked so earnest, so concerned. Her eyes welled up with tears again. 

But she knew she couldn’t give him the answer that he wanted. If it was so easy to just pretend it had never happened, they wouldn’t be having this conversation. It wasn’t easy; knowing Takeru had feelings for her — and now knowing he loved her — had blow all of the lids off of her tightly packed boxes. She didn’t know if she couldn’t put them back on.

“I don’t know,” she answered honestly after a beat. “I don’t know.”

Takeru’s eyebrows flew up, surprised. “You...you don’t know?”

“I don’t know what to do from here,” Hikari admitted. “I don’t know how to go on and pretend that nothing ever happened. I don’t know how to go about our friendship knowing that you want something...more.”

“Hikari-chan,” Takeru took a step forward towards her, “I’ve been in love with you all this time and we’ve still remained friends. I never made a move, not even once, not seriously. I never asked you for more and I’m not going to start now. I promise you I’ll treat you the same as always. ”

“But it’s there now,” Hikari said sadly, “I’ll know that you do want more. I’ll know that what I give you isn’t enough.”

“It is enough!” Takeru stepped closer, standing right in front of her now. She looked up and saw his panicked blue eyes and felt something inside of her break. “It is _always_ going to be enough. You’re always enough.” 

He reached out to place his hands on her upper arms. As his fingers met her skin, Hikari flinched. 

His arms dropped and he took a step back. “Hikari-chan, I…” he let out a shaky breath. “I can’t lose you. Am I losing you?”

“No,” Hikari said hastily. “No, of course not.”

Takeru shot her a sad smile. “I don’t think I believe you.”

She stared back at him, tears clouding her vision. He wasn’t losing her; she was just setting him free from a life that neither of them chose. 

She was just the only one who noticed. 

“Takeru-kun, I —”

“I think you should go,” Takeru turned away from her. “I need some time to think.”

Hikari clenched her fists once more. “Takeru-kun, we’re lost; I don’t know which way to go.”

“I know,” Takeru said, his back to her. “I think it’s probably good that I wander around for a bit. I need to...process all of this.”

“We shouldn’t split up,” Hikari said anxiously. “We should stick together.”

“Hikari-chan,” Takeru snapped, his voice now carrying a hard edge. “I’m sorry, but I need some time alone. We’re not in a dangerous part of the Digital World; there’s no risk in splitting up.”

A tear slipped down her cheek. “But what...what about your date?”

Takeru laughed. “I’m supposed to go on a date with another girl after this?” he asked, exasperated. “What am I supposed to say, ‘Sorry if I seem frazzled, I just had my heartbroken by my best friend cause I’m an idiot who got drunk at a party and confessed I had feelings for her — feelings which she absolutely doesn’t reciprocate’? Yeah, I’m sure that will go over real well.”

Folding her arms, Hikari looked away, tears still falling. “I’m sorry.”

“Please just go,” Takeru pressed his hands to his eyes. “Please just go before I say something I regret.”

Wiping her cheeks, Hikari straightened her shoulders. “Fine,” she said, turning in the opposite direction from him. “But if you haven’t returned in twenty-four hours, I’m notifying Koushiro-san.”

“Fine,” Takeru said back. “Same goes for you.”

“Fine,” she repeated. She began to make her way down the path. 

She did not look back. 

She wandered for another half an hour, taking stock of everything that had just happened. 

Takeru knew that she knew he had feelings for her. 

Takeru had inadvertently told her he loved her.

She had told him she wasn’t sure she could go on like nothing had happened.

She turned away from his touch; she couldn’t remember the last time she had done that. 

That was everything she knew. The list of what she didn’t know — where they went from here, why she had said she couldn’t go on as normal, why she couldn’t close the boxes, and why this whole thing had her so damn afraid — went on for entirely too long.

Eventually, she stumbled upon a gate; a small monitor hidden among a series of shrubs, held up her Digivice, and felt her cells being zapped into digital dust.

She didn’t notice the pain this time. Her mind was too preoccupied.  
  


x x x 

After the Digital World spits her out, after her insides have been scrambled and reconfigured and after her heart stops beating and then resets, Hikari finds herself staring up at the ceiling of Koushiro’s office. 

It had made sense, at the time, to create one single digital gate for the Odaiba Chosen to use. It made even more sense to set it up in a place that was securely operated by Koushiro. 

But as a result, it made for awkward moments, as his office was seldom unoccupied, with people coming and going, or just hanging out. 

Case in point, as Hikari peeled herself off the ground, a throbbing pain in her elbow, she was met with four smirking faces. Seated on the couches across from the computer, her brother, Mimi, Yamato, and Koushiro sat, obviously trying not to laugh. 

“Way to stick the landing, sis,” Taichi said with a grin. Mimi whacked him in the arm. 

“Like you’re always so graceful,” Yamato muttered, before turning to Hikari. “Are you okay? That sounded like it hurt.”

Nodding, Hikari rose from the floor. “I’m fine, just banged my elbow a bit.”

Mimi frowned. “Do you want me to call Jyou-senpai? He’s off work and can come take a look at it.” 

“No, that’s okay,” Hikari shook her head. “It just smarts is all.”  
  
Beside Mimi, Taichi cracked his knuckles, looking nervous. “Jyou’s off work?” he mused, his voice slightly higher than usual. “How do you know?”

Mimi raised an eyebrow, looking confused. “Hmm? Oh, he said it in the group chat. Do you ever check your phone?”

Something like relief passed over Taichi’s face. “Oh, um, no, I haven’t checked in a bit,” he laughed awkwardly. “I thought that maybe he texted you or something.”

A smile spread across Mimi’s lips and she narrowedd her eyes playfully. “Taichi-san, are you jealous of Jyou-senpai?”

Taichi balked. “Me? Jealous? Of Jyou? As if!”

“Oh my god, anyway!” Koushiro loudly cut in, turning to Hikari. "How was the clean up? Was there much to salvage of the Tanemon village?”

“It went well,” Hikari said as she sat on the arm of the couch beside Yamato. “It wasn’t as bad as they made it out to be - mostly the melon crops were destroyed, but there were still lots of berries and vegetables.”

“Oh, good!” Mimi clasped her hands together. “Palmon will be so happy to hear that.”

Beside Hikari, Yamato glanced behind her. “Hey, wasn’t my brother with you?” he asked, looking up at her. “Where is he?”

Facing Yamato, Hikari froze. His eyes were so like Takeru’s; sometimes, they looked so much alike, it took Hikari’s breath away. 

She glanced away. 

“He and Patamon decided to stay behind a little bit longer,” she lied, “Patamon wanted to show him a new marsh he found.”

Yamato nodded. “Cool,” he responded. 

It disgusted Hikari, how easily she lied to him and how easily he believed her. Yamato bought what she sold without any doubt, without a moment’s hesitation; he had no reason to believe she would lie, and so he trusted her implicitly. 

But Takeru knew better; he knew exactly how often she lied and how much she buried, how much she hid. She wondered if deep down, he knew exactly what she felt. She wondered if he trusted her at all anymore. 

“Do you have any plans, Hikari-chan?” Mimi’s voice knocked Hikari out of her thoughts. “We were thinking of getting dinner at the Canteen before heading back into the city. Want to come with?”

Shaking her head, Hikari propped herself off of the couch. “I think I’m just going to head home. I’m really tired; all of that physical labor and Digi-Travelling kind of zapped my energy.”

“Want to go crash at Mom and Dad’s?” Taichi asked, looking concerned. “I can walk you over.”

“No, that’s okay, onii-chan. I’m fine,” Hikari smiled reassuringly. “I just need to go back to my apartment and sleep.”

Taichi frowned. “Okay,” he paused, looking at her seriously for a moment. “Hey, you good?”

Hikari tilted her head. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Another lie slid so easily past her lips. “Why?”

“You just look kind of upset,” Taichi furrowed his brow. “Your eyes are kind of red. Are you sure you’re okay?” 

“Oh,” Hikari laughed, “yeah, some of the pollen the Tanemon use on their crops made me sneeze a bit. I’m fine. I’ll wash my face when I’m home.

Taichi leaned back against the couch. “Okay then. Text me when you get home.”

“I will,” Hikari said, raising her hand in a little wave. “I’ll see you guys later.”

The group called out their goodbyes and Hikari made her way out of the office. As she closed the door, she pressed her hand to her chest. 

Her heartbeat was steady. After everything that had just happened, it should have been pounding. Pulling her hand back, she glanced down at her palm; flakes of dried blood outlined little crescent moons where her nails had dug in too hard. 

She hadn’t felt it.

Making her way down the hall, she realized that at some point between Takeru leaving her and arriving back in Tokyo, she must have gone completely numb. 

She couldn’t feel anything. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, I kind of think travelling to the Digital World would be like being submerged in LCL fluid while syncing with an Evangelion. You know? Maybe this ladders back to my ideal Digimon series really being a combination of the original and Neon Genesis Evangelion. Give me that sweet, sweet character development mixed with the painful trauma of saving the world @ Toei. 
> 
> Anyway, this chapter was supposed to go a little further and resolve some things, but Takeru and Hikari were all, “Nooo, it’s just gonna be sad.” So here we are. Also, we're three chapters in and I can't believe I haven't addressed this but: this fic uses Taylor Swift song lyrics to set up each chapter. The song for this one changed! At the last minute! It got bumped to next chapter. That's how much this chapter guided its own creation. 
> 
> I am hoping (but not promising) to update again soon (like real soon) because this fic is 100% feelings and an excellent release from the KPI, strategic, data driven life I’m currently living between the hours of 9 to 5 and I need a break. But we’ll see; the past few days haven’t been too hectic, so I am hoping they can keep up. I also may come back and edit/tweak this slightly, but I wanted to get it out to the world before crashing for the night. 
> 
> Thanks for the lovely comments, as always.


	4. late fall, 2013

our coming of age (has come and gone)

part four

x x x

late fall, 2013

_ and it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound _

_ it’s hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you _

x x x 

The party at Daisuke’s was, as per usual, out of control.

Bubblegum K-pop blasted from the tiny speaker in the corner of the living room. In the kitchen, Mimi and Yamato argued passionately about something no one could follow, both so drunk that they were rapidly switching between English and Japanese. Beside them, Taichi and Sora largely ignored their significant others, debriefing on the latest FC match between Tokyo and Yokohama. On the balcony, Ken and Daisuke kicked a soccer ball back and forth, laughing as it bounced off the laundry racks. Miyako leaned against the doorframe, smoking and snapping at them periodically. 

Hikari sat on the couch, alone, nursing a warm can of Horoyoi. 

She wanted to go home. 

Daisuke’s parties — and parties in general — hadn’t been much fun in recent months. She attended them nervously and out of an obligation she couldn’t quite place as opposed to a desire to socialize and see her friends. As often as she could, she would beg off an invite, saying she had to study or watch her parents cat or something equally mundane. But upon graduation, with only a part time job at a local kindergarten as her sole responsibility, it was harder to find a reason why she couldn’t attend. 

She also knew that her absence would bring the suggestion that she wasn’t there because she and Takeru weren’t speaking. While they had never formally announced that they were on bad terms, the distance between them was obvious and so it sat in every shared room they occupied; heavy, strained, and bloated. 

She knew it made the others uncomfortable. News had always travelled quickly in their group; when Taichi and Mimi had started dating in May, everyone knew within a day. When Jyou had been accepted to the residency of his choice, everyone knew within an  _ hour _ . Needless to say, the trickle of the news that something wasn’t quite right between she and Takeru had been slower, but she knew the others had not only sensed the tension, but discussed it in detail. 

No one directly made a big deal about it, gathering that asking about it in detail was forbidden territory. Her brother had questioned if everything was alright between them and Sora had prodded a little bit deeper over wine at dinner one night, but no one had sat her down and demanded an explanation. Hikari had given them her standard ‘We’ve been busy’ answer and while it hadn’t seemed to satisfy them, they had at the very least accepted it — or accepted that she didn’t want to talk. 

She had no idea what Takeru had said. Maybe he had given an answer that had satiated them.

She tried not to think about it. 

Letting out a sigh, she took a sip of her drink and leaned her head back against the wall. 

“God, those two together are insufferable,” Miyako slammed open the balcony door aggressively. “Fifteen minutes with Daisuke and my sweet, sensitive boyfriend becomes a buffoon.”

Sitting up straighter on the couch, Hikari smiled, watching as Miyako shut the door with equal aggression. “Don’t the three of you hang out a lot?” 

Rolling her eyes, Miyako flopped herself down on the couch, the smell of smoke clinging to her hair. “Don’t remind me about it. I ask myself every single day how I ended up being best friends with Motomiya Daisuke.” She let out an exasperated breath. “He’s taking years off my life.”

Hikari laughed. “He’s not that bad.”

“He’s not,” Miyako agreed, drawing her knees up to her chest, “but that doesn’t make him any less annoying and that doesn’t mean I love the influence he has on Ken sometimes. Or myself even. I mean, look,” she gestured around the living room, “another Saturday night and here I am, at another one of Daisuke’s dumb, obnoxious parties.”

“I think that might say more about you than about Daisuke,” Hikari tilted her head to the side with a sly smile. “What’s the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results?”

Miyako extended her leg, giving Hikari a little kick. “Don’t hit me with the truth. I can’t handle the truth.”

Hikari laughed, taking a sip of her drink, its lukewarm taste hitting her tongue. She inwardly grimaced. 

“What are you doing on the couch all by yourself?” Miyako asked, folding her arms. “You doing okay?”

Nodding, Hikari gestured into the kitchen. “Yeah, everyone is just talking about stuff I can’t follow. Yamato and Mimi keep accidentally switching to English and Taichi and Sora are talking about sports.”

Miyako scrunched up her face. “Yeah, no thank you to either of that. How about—”   


“Oy! Look what the cat dragged in!” Taichi’s voice boomed across the apartment. “The golden boy finally arrives!” 

Hikari and Miyako turned to the front door, where Takeru stood, slipping his shoes off on the genkan. He grinned.

“Sorry, I’m late,” Takeru walked into the kitchen and set a Family Mart bag on the counter. “I was at dinner with mom and Madelaine. It went longer than I expected.” He glanced over at Sora and Yamato and shot them a cheeky grin. “Mom wants to do it again, but with you guys as well. So prepare yourself.”

Yamato let out a heavy sigh. “Fine. As long as she doesn’t ask when we’re getting married again.”

Takeru winked. “I’ll make sure it’s on the banned questions list.”

“Did you have a good time, Takeru-kun?” Sora interjected, cheeks red. “Did Owens-san not want to come?”

Pulling a bottle of soju out of his bag, Takeru shook his head. “She has plans with some friends tonight, so we split up.”

While parties between the Chosen were never strictly off limits to significant others outside their group, they seldom made an appearance. Jyou and Koushiro would periodically bring their girlfriends, but an onslaught of inside jokes and shared experiences between twelve people could be overwhelming for anyone, so there were few repeat appearances.

Madelaine had seemed to fair better, laughing along with the group and easily befriending Mimi and Miyako. Since she and Takeru had become official four months earlier, she had accompanied him to at least one party a month, which was more than any other non-Chosen significant other. Perhaps it was that she was a foreigner herself, originally hailing from Vancouver, used to being the odd one out in group settings in Japan. Or maybe it was just something about her in general; she seemed sweet, personable, and easy going. 

She and Takeru seemed great together.

Hikari had met her briefly, a few months back. Takeru had politely introduced them and Madelaine had smiled at her, but Hikari noted it was more stiff than the smile she had shared with the others.

“It’s nice to meet you, Yagami-san,” she said tightly. “I’ve heard so much about you.”

At this, Hikari had winced. She wondered what, exactly, Takeru had told her. What had made her give her that tight smile. What had caused her to regard her with an air of coldness, even upon the first meeting. 

Later that night, Hikari had laid in bed and pulled up Madelaine’s Instagram. Madelaine was gorgeous, her hair long and red, her skin fair and even. She seemed to be outgoing, posing with various groups of friends around Tokyo, wearing fun fashion and bright colours. Her Instagram captions were a mix of English and Japanese; for a foreigner, she seemed to have a strong grasp of the language — after all, she had been able to keep up with the mainly Japanese conversation at the party that evening. 

Scrolling through her feed, Hikari lingered on a photo that appeared to be taken at graduation. Madelaine and Takeru in the center, arms wrapped around each other, wearing matching robes. Takeru’s parents flanked on one side (a rare occurrance), Yamato and Sora on the other. 

Something about it made her heart squeeze. It felt weird to witness one of the most monumental occasions in Takeru’s life through a screen; through the pictures of someone else’s life. She zoomed in on Madelaine and Takeru’s faces, looking at their matching grins, and felt like she was going to cry. 

With that, she had closed her phone, pulled the covers over her head, and went to sleep.

Needless to say, as Hikari shifted on the couch, she was relieved Madelaine wasn’t there that evening. It was going to be hard enough with Takeru in attendance; she wasn’t sure she could handle both of them. 

Picking up his beer, Takeru made his way to the living room, clearly headed for the balcony. Miyako scowled. 

“Heyyyy, Takeru-kun,” she said, stopping him in his tracks. “You’re two hours late and then you don’t even say hi?”

Takeru laughed. “Hi, Miyako-san,” he said with a grin. “How are you?”

“Cranky,” Miyako responded without missing a beat. “Bets on how much longer till someone complains?”

“I give us till 10,” Takeru responded. “It’s loud now, but still early enough in the evening and it’s a Saturday. You?”

Miyako scrunched her nose up. “Um, I give us till 9, tops. It may be a Saturday, but it’s a Saturday in November. We don’t have the excuse of summer to save us anymore.”

Takeru nodded. “Fair assessment. Winner buys the other dinner next time we go out?”

“And drinks,” Miyako said with a grin. 

“You’re on,” Takeru lifted his beer up to her. “Hey, Hikari-chan,” he said quickly, turning to head outside.

“Hi,” Hikari responded, meekly, nervously, mostly to his back. She watched as the lines of his shoulders moved as he pushed the sliding door open and stepped out to greet Ken and Daisuke. How many times had she looked at those shoulders, wondered when they grew so broad? Now it felt like she only watched them as he remained turned away from her.

Miyako shifted in her seat, eyes darting over to Hikari. “You okay?”

Hikari nodded. “Why wouldn’t I be?”   


“Um,” Miyako bit her lip, “that was a little awkward, don’t you think?”

“What part of it?” Hikari asked, taking another sip of her drink. It was starting to taste awful, it was so warm. 

“All of it?” Miyako frowned. “The whole part where you and Takeru interacted?”

Hikari looking away and shrugged. “We were just saying hi.”

Beside her, Miyako let out a heavy sigh. “Hikari, I know you like to keep to yourself. I’ve always known that. But you know you can talk to me, right? About anything?”

“Of course, Miyako.”

“You can even talk to me about the hard stuff,” Miyako said, pointedly. She reached out and squeezed Hikari’s knee. “I won’t judge you.”

“I know.”

“It’s just, I know that whatever it is, it must be hard and I don’t want to push you," Miyako continued, frowning, "but if you ever want to talk about how things are with Take—”

“I think I need a drink,” Hikari said abruptly, cutting Miyako off. “I had a long day at work and need something to take the edge off.”

“You have a drink,” Miyako picked up Hikari’s abandoned can of Horoyoi and held it up. “It’s hardly even finished.”

“It’s too warm,” Hikari answered, brushing off her jeans. “I need something stronger. I’m going to go see Daisuke and see if he can make me one. Do you want anything?”

Frown growing deeper, Miyako shook her head. “No, I’m fine. But Hikari…”

“What?” Hikari asked, turning to make her way out to the balcony. Daisuke said something and both Takeru and Ken burst into laugher. She felt a chill run through her at the sight of Takeru’s unrestrained smile. 

Miyako sighed once more. “Nothing. Tell Ken I’ll be out there in a minute.”

Hikari nodded, pushing open the balcony door. The cool, crisp autumn air hit her skin and she shivered, feeling the chill run down to her bones. Three heads turned to her in sync, Daisuke, Ken, and Takeru pausing their conversation to look at her.

“Hi,” she said shyly. “Am I interrupting?”

Daisuke broke into a grin. “Are you interrupting?! Hikari-chan, never! You could never interrupt!”

Ken rolled his eyes. “Way to lay it on thick, Daisuke.”

Takeru took a sip of his beer and turned away, looking out at the buildings across from them. He didn’t say anything. 

“Are you cold, Hikari-chan?” Daisuke asked as she slid up beside him. “You look like you’re shaking a bit.”

“No, I’m fine,” she shook her head, sliding her arm through his. “Ken-san, Miyako says she’ll be out here in a minute.”

Ken nodded. “Thanks. But it better be just to chat, or else I’m confiscating her cigarettes.”

Hikari laughed. “You can let her know that part yourself.”

“So!” Daisuke exclaimed, placing his hand over Hikari’s and drawing her closer. “To what do we owe the honor of your presence, Hikari-chan?”

“Daisuke-kun, don’t be so silly,” Hikari chided, though she felt a rush of warmth spread through her at the attention. Daisuke always had a way of making her feel like the most desirable girl in the room; she couldn’t deny that it was hard to resist sometimes. “I was wondering if you could help me out, though.”

“For you, Hikari-chan,” Daisuke leaned forward, “anything. Just name it.”

Across from them, Takeru let out a snort and took a sip of his beer. Hikari glanced over at him, feeling irritation creep up on her. He had always hated when she and Daisuke flirted, even though it was harmless; after so many years, it had become built into she and Daisuke’s dynamic.

“I was just wondering if you could make me a drink?” Hikari lookedback at Daisuke and smiled. “I had a rough day at work and mine is warm; I let it sit for too long.”

Daisuke’s grin grew wider. “A drink? For _you_ , Hikari-chan? Of course! What are you thinking?” 

Daisuke’s arm was hot under her hand, all ropey muscle and tanned skin. The way he was looking at her was comforting; kindness and affection radiated in his eyes — it had been a while since someone had looked at her like that. His face was still so much like when they were younger, grown up with a boy-ish edge. He was handsome, in a roguish, unruly kind of way. 

If only he hadn’t looked so much like her brother. If only he hadn’t sometimes bordered on obnoxious. If only they had more in common. Then...maybe…

No, Hikari thought as she smiled up at him. It would never happen. Her heart would never be in it.

“Maybe a rum and Coke?” she said, bringing a finger to her lips in thought. “Regardless, a strong one; it was a tough day at work.”

“Coming right up, Madame,” Daisuke said, giving her a cheeky wink. He turned to lead them back into the apartment. 

“You sure you wanna do that?” Takeru’s voice cut in. Hikari’s eyes fell back over to where he stood, still facing away from them. “When you mix alcohol, you tend to get sick.”

Hikari tried to keep her expression calm, even. “I’ll be okay.”

“I saw you drinking Horoyoi earlier,” Takeru continued, focusing his gaze down on the street below. “Historically, this has never ended well, Hikari-chan.”

Smiling stiffly, Hikari tightened her grip on Daisuke’s arm. “I’ll be fine, Takeru-kun. I can handle myself.”

Straightening, Takeru glanced over at her, his eyes meeting hers for the briefest of seconds. She shivered. “You’re right. You can.”

Ken, sensing the tension, bumped Takeru’s arm with his. “Hey, man, did you watch the latest FC Tokyo match against Yokohoma? They played terribly.”

“Let’s go inside, Hikari-chan,” Daisuke said, sliding open the door, “you’re covered in goosebumps.”

Throwing a glance back at Takeru, Hikari nodded, before smiling at Daisuke and following him inside. 

The others had vacated the kitchen, now congregated in the living room where Yamato and Mimi still appeared to be arguing. Taichi and Sora sat with Miyako on the couch, laughing about something or the other. Following Daisuke, Hikari watched as he pulled a bottle of Coke from the fridge. 

“I have peach Coke — the limited edition one,” Daisuke presented the bottle to her. “If you want to try that. I know you like peach flavoured things, Hikari-chan.”

Hikari smiled. “I would love to.”

“Awesome,” Daisuke grinned, setting it down on the counter. He leaned over and grabbed the bottle of rum, one of the many bottles of alcohol that were spread out on the surface. “You sure you’re okay to drink this? Takeru was just being dramatic?”

“Yes,” Hikari said, stiffening. “I barely had any of my Horoyoi earlier. It was too warm. And I haven’t had trouble mixing drinks since I was way younger,” she bluffed; the truth was, she hadn’t had trouble cause she had stopped mixing drinks years ago. “I’ll be fine.”

Daisuke’s grin grew wider. “Then one rum and Coke, coming right up for the pretty lady.”

Hikari smiled. At least Daisuke could act natural around her.   
  


x x x

Two hours later, Hikari grasped the sides of the toilet and wretched. Daisuke hovered over her, holding back her hair. 

What had started as one drink turned into two, and then three, and then four. When Daisuke proposed that they do shots, Hikari had all but joyfully agreed, enjoying the way her heart was starting to feel light and her face numb. 

She lost count of the shots. Or maybe, she hadn’t even bothered counting at all. 

“Fuck, Hikari, are you okay?” Daisuke asked, giving her back a pat with his free hand. “Try to take a deep breath.”

For a moment, Hikari attempted to even out her breathing, before leaning over and throwing up again. 

“ _Fuckkk_ ,” Daisuke groaned, rubbing her back. “Miyako! Ken!” he called, loudly. “Get in here!”

A moment later, Hikari heard the footsteps of her friends, followed by Miyako’s heavy sigh. “Goddamnit, Daisuke,” she scolded, annoyed, “how drunk is she? How much did she drink?”

“I don’t know!” Daisuke said frantically, “she was drinking as much as me!”

“As much as _you_?!” Ken exclaimed, “are you _nuts_? Hikari was keeping pace with you? She’s half your size!” 

“I’m sorry, I’m drunk, too!” Daisuke whined, “I wasn’t really paying attention. She seemed fine until a few minutes ago.”

“What the fuck is going on here?” Taichi’s said, appearing behind Miyako. Hikari froze. “Why is my sister throwing up?” 

The sound of her brother’s voice made Hikari feel even sicker and she wretched again, mortified. The last thing she needed was her brother seeing her drunk. Though, Daisuke’s apartment was so small, there was absolutely no chance that everyone couldn’t hear what was going on. 

“What’s wrong with her?” Taichi, stepping into the small bathroom, couching down beside Hikari. She felt the weight of his hand on her back, moving back and forth soothingly. “Why is she so drunk? Did she mix drinks?”

Shaking, Hikari nodded her head meekly, before leaning over and throwing up again. 

“Um, she had some rum and she was drinking Horoyoi earlier,” Daisuke said, still holding her hair. “Maybe some whiskey? Vodka? I’m not sure. We were doing shots.”

Taichi let out a heavy sigh. “Hikari, you know you can’t mix drinks. You always get sick. You take after Mom.”

Hikari heaved again. 

“She has to go home,” Taichi said, pressing a hand to his brow. “She’s gonna be sick for the rest of the night. This always happens when she mixes drinks.”

“I’m sorry,” Daisuke said with a wince.    


“Don’t be mad at him, onii-chan,” Hikari said softly, turning her head slightly to look at her brother. His face seemed blurry. “He didn’t know and I was the one who kept asking for different drinks. I told him it was okay. He was just doing what I asked.”

Taichi smiled gently. “It’s okay. I’m not mad.”

Nodding, Hikari tried to muster up a smile, before feeling another wave of nausea hit her. She turned back to the toilet. 

“Someone sober has to take her home," Taichi sighed heavily. "Mi and I would do it, but we’re a few drinks away from joining her on the floor here.”

“We can do it,” Miyako piped up from the doorway. “Ken and I, I mean. Ken’s sober and I haven’t had anything to drink in a while. That’s okay, right, honey? We can get Hikari home?”

Ken nodded. “Of course. We should probably try to take a cab. The stop and go of the subway might make it worse.”

“A cab...is too expensive. No cab,” Hikari spoke up from the toilet before gagging again.

Taichi winced. “Take a cab. Please take a cab.”

“You got it, I’ll call one now,” Miyako said with a nod, pulling out her phone. She turned to Ken. “I’ll go get our coats, too, babe.”

“I’ll come with you guys,” Takeru spoke up. Hikari felt her face get hot. She had no idea he was even there. Who else was watching? “It will be easier to get her inside to her apartment that way.”

Ken frowned, conflicted. “I think Miyako and I can handle it.”

“I’m pretty sober and between the two of us, we can carry Hikari in and out of the cab and up to her apartment; she lives on the fourth floor with no elevator, remember?” Takeru explained. “Miyako can handle doors and stuff.”

Ken nodded, conceding. “Okay, that makes sense. Taichi-san, the three of us will take her home.”

“No better team for the job,” Taichi said with a wary smile. He sighed, looking back at Hikari, before clapping his hands, his dormant leadership skills kicking in. “Daisuke, help me lift Hikari. We should get her cleaned up before we get her in the cab.”

x x x

Half an hour later, Hikari stood between Takeru and Ken, their arms supporting her around the waist as they walked up the four flights of stairs to her apartment. She felt dizzy, her head light, but she wasn’t sure if it was the alcohol or the proximity to Takeru. 

It had been so long since they had been this close. When had she let him get this near to her without abandon? It had to have been well over a year. 

He still smelled the same; the scene of pine and sandalwood clinging to his skin. The faintest hint of soju lingered on his breath when he talked. He was so warm and his presence was so comforting, Hikari felt she may cry. 

She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him until this moment. How had she gone this long without being around him? What was she doing?

Her head pounded. She was still so drunk.

“Almost there, Hikari,” Miyako said over her shoulder, a few steps ahead of them. She had taken Hikari’s purse in the cab and rifled through it for her keys. “Almost home.”

“Thank you,” Hikari said meekly, her face feeling hot and flushed. Never in her life had she been so drunk that she had to be carried home. The reality that it was happening now — and that Takeru was witnessing it — was moritifying. “I’m so, so, so sorry to be such a pain and cut your evening short.”

Miyako blew a raspberry. “Hikari-chan, you know I’m always looking for an opportunity to bail on Daisuke’s parties,” she said with a wave of her hand. “Don’t worry about it.”

Hikari swallowed, keeping her eyes down on her feet as she tried to carefully make it up one step after another. “Takeru-kun, you hadn’t been there long,” she said quietly. “You didn’t have to come.”

Against her side, Takeru stiffened. “It’s not a big deal,” he said, not looking at her. “This isn’t the first time I’ve taken you home when you were drunk. This staircase and I are well acquainted.”

Hikari flushed deeper at the memory. How many times had she and Takeru staggered back to this very apartment? But those times had been different; they had always been a joyous, silly thing. They would be laughing and giggling the whole way, stumbling into her front door and combing through her pantry for cup noodles and Calbee potato chips to eat. Then they’d flop on her bed to sleep, a tangle of limbs as they fell into a deep slumber. 

In the morning, Takeru would go to the 7-Eleven down the street for hot coffee, bottles of Pocari Sweat, and umeboshi while Hikari made miso soup. Once he returned, they’d sit at the coffee table in her living room and eat their breakfast in quiet, hungover silence. 

Hikari felt her eyes well with tears. She suddenly felt a deep nostalgic pull for something she hadn’t even realized she missed. What she would give to be laughing with Takeru as they staggered up these stairs instead of sick of her stomach and miserable. Those times had been fun and lighthearted. This was sad and heavy. 

Truthfully, everything about the last few months had felt sad and heavy. 

“It’s okay, Hikari-san,” Ken said kindly, smiling softly at her. “It happens to the best of us.”

On her other side, Takeru chuckled. “Ken, I have never seen you wasted in my life.”

“I don’t like to drink a lot,” Ken said as they turned the corner to Hikari’s 1DK. “But I’ve had my fair share of carrying Miyako home.”

“Hey, are you giving away all of my dirty secrets, Ken?” Miyako said from the doorway, where she pushed the key into the door. 

“Hardly; if I started with that, we’d be here all night.” Ken rolled his eyes as they stepped into Hikari's apartment. Miyako hit the lights and Hikari winced. Was her apartment even presentable?

Taking in the familiar room, Hikari let out a breath of relief. Her bed was made and her kitchen was tidy - only her mug from her morning coffee sat in the sink. Even in her drunken state, she couldn’t bear it if her friends were to see her apartment in a disorderly state. 

“Oh _gooood_ ,” she said loudly as Ken hushed her. “My apartment isn’t a mess!”

“Shh, Hikari-chan — you’ll wake your neighbours. Ken, Takeru-kun, go lie her down on the bed,” Miyako instructed as she set her and Hikari’s purses down on the coffee table in the living room. “I’ll see if I can find some asprin and water in the kitchen.”

Stepping over to her bed, Ken and Takeru gently set Hikari down. She shivered instantly, the abrupt lack of heat making her cold. In an instant, as if instinctual, Takeru was back at her side. 

“Are you cold?” he asked, rubbing a hand down her arm as he sat beside her on the bed. “Miyako-san can change you out of these clothes into some pyjamas.”

Hikari shook her head. His hand felt like fire. “I’m okay,” she said, lifting her other hand to cover her face entirely. She didn’t want him to look at her like this. “I can change myself.”

Takeru frowned and glanced over at Ken. “Think Miyako-san can stay the night? She’ll probably be sick again.”

Ken nodded, leaning against the wall. “Probably. She was going to come back to mine cause she has tomorrow off anyway.”

At this, Hikari frowned. “I don’t want to ruin your night anymore, Ken-san. I’ll be okay on my own,” she glanced over at him and her vision blurred. Pressing a hand to her forehead, she leaned back and laid down, willing the room to stop spinning. “Oh, boy.”

Takeru sighed. “Miyako-san, how is it going in the kitchen?” 

“There’s no asprin — I’ll have to run to the 7-Eleven across the street. Just trying to locate a cup,” Miyako said from across the room. She opened a cupboard and peered inside. “Hikari-chan, where do you keep them again?”

“It’s the cabinet to the right. Second shelf,” Takeru answered for her, automatically. Catching himself, he blushed. “Sorry. I shouldn’t have...sorry.”

Hikari shook her head and swallowed, looking up at the ceiling. “It’s all right.”

“Got it!” Miyako said, victoriously. “I can stay the night no problem. Ken, I’ll just come by yours tomorrow morning if that works?”

“Sure,” Ken said with a nod. “I’ll get us some breakfast.”

Miyako smiled brightly at him, walking over with a cup of water. “Sounds good, babe.” Sitting on the other side of Hikari, she motioned to Takeru. “Can you help her sit up? I want her to drink this water quickly.”

Takeru nodded, sliding his arm underneath Hikari’s back and lifting her up. There it was again; that fiery feeling burning her skin. Hikari felt even dizzier. 

“Here you go,” Miyako passed Hikari a glass of water. “Drink up.”

Hikari took the glass from her friend and brought it to her mouth, taking a long drink. She felt some dribble down her chin and winced. This was so embarrassing. 

“Careful,” Takeru said softy, his hand still on her back. 

“Ken, can you go grab a towel?” Miyako asked her boyfriend, who nodded. “Hikari, just drink the whole thing.”

Finishing the glass of water, Hikari flopped backwards on the bed again. She was starting to feel overwhelmed with all of her friends crowded around her. She just wanted them to go home so she could be embarrassed in peace.

“Here you go,” Ken said, extending the towel he had retrieved from the bathroom to Hikari. She weakly lifted one arm and took it, draping it over her face. She was too tired to properly wipe her chin. 

“I’m going to just run over to the 7-Eleven quick,” Miyako said with a sigh, sliding off the bed. “Get some asprin and Pocari Sweat. And honestly, maybe a sandwich. I’m hungry. Is anyone else hungry?”

Ken laughed. “Miyako, it’s after midnight.”

“Yeah, and the last time I ate was at like, 8,” Miyako said matter of factly. “So a sandwich is needed.”

Ken shot a rare grin at her. “I’ll come with you.”

The tips of Miyako’s ears went pink. “I can go by myself.”

“I want to come with you,” Ken looped his hand through hers. “I just remembered how much I like you.”

“Oh,” Miyako turned bright fuschia at this, as if she hadn’t been dating him for nearly ten years and his words of affection were brand new to her. “Okay, well, if you insist. Takeru-kun, are you okay to watch after Hikari for a few minutes? We won’t be long.”

A beat passed. “Yeah, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure, Takeru-san?” Ken asked slowly. “I don’t have to go with Miyako.”

On the bed, Hikari stiffened; something in Ken’s tone made her feel sick. Why would he be asking Takeru if he was sure he was okay to stay with her? She wondered what Ken knew. Somewhere along the line, she had forgotten that Ken and Miyako were as much Takeru’s friends as they were hers. 

Takeru smiled. “I’ll be fine. Go on your impromptu date to the konbini.” 

Miyako rolled her eyes. “Do you want anything?” 

“An egg salad sandwich and a bottle of Lipton Royal Milk Tea, please,” Takeru responded quickly, “and a Choco Pie. Or whatever seasonal Pocky they have right now.”

“Damn, that’s specific,” Miyako picked up her purse and swung it over her shoulder. “I’m not made of money you know.”

Takeru shrugged. “That’s like, 700 yen.” 

“I thought you were going to ask for an onigiri or a chicken cutlet or something,” Miyako said, looping her arm through Ken’s. “Not a whole meal.”

“Come on, Miyako,” Ken chuckled as he pulled her towards the door. “We don’t have all night.”

The two bickered quietly as they exited the apartment, the door swinging shut behind them. 

Takeru and Hikari were alone. 

Silence fell over them. 

Takeru shifted on the bed awkwardly. He rubbed the back of his neck, his eyes darting around the room. He swallowed before opening his mouth to speak. “Are you feeling okay? Do you want more water?”

Hikari pulled the towel off her face and sat up, feeling uncomfortable. “Um, water would be good.”

“I’ll go get you some,” Takeru picked up the cup Hikari had abandoned and walked into the kitchen to refill it. 

_What was happening?_ Hikari thought. Why was Takeru here, in her apartment? Why had he ignored her for so many months and then, out of nowhere, decided to step in when she was drunk and needed help getting home? 

Having him here felt like too much. She couldn’t wait for Miyako and Ken to get back. 

A moment later, he returned and handed her the glass. 

“Thanks,” she said softly, avoiding his gaze. 

“No problem,” Takeru sat down beside her once more, this time a few more feet away. 

Silence fell over them once more. 

Sipping on her water, she glanced at Takeru out of the corner of her eye. He looked tired, his expression wary and exhausted. Immediately, she felt bad; if only she hadn’t been such a fool and gotten so drunk to distract herself from how awkward she felt because of his presence. Then he wouldn’t be wasting the rest of his night cause she couldn’t hold her liquor. 

“You didn’t have to come,” she said softly. 

“Sorry?” Takeru asked, looking over at her. 

“Come help me home, I mean,” she said quickly. “I would have been okay with Ken-san and Miyako.”

Takeru was quiet a moment, before shrugging. “I know.”

Hikari swallowed, her throat feeling tight. “How have you been?”

“I’ve been good,” he rubbed the back of his neck once more. “Busy.”

“Ah,” Hikari nodded, looking at the cup in her hands. It was the Sailor Moon one she had purchased from Kiddyland. The sight of it made her feel childish. “How has work been? Have you been enjoying it?” 

“For the most part,” Takeru shrugged. “It’s not the type of stuff I want to be writing, but I’m just getting started. It pays the bills, I guess.”

“Good, good,” Hikari took another sip of water, not sure what to say next. “I’m...glad.”

“Thanks,” Takeru said, sounding shy. He ran a hand through his hair. “How about you? I heard you got a job at a kindergarten?”

Hikari shook her head. “It’s more of a daycare. It’s good, though. I like it. For the most part.”

“That’s good,” Takeru said nervously. “That’s...that’s good.”

“Yeah, it’s fine for right now. We’ll see further down the line.” Hikari tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry if I ruined your night.”

“You didn’t,” Takeru shook his head and smiled gently. “The night is still young. It’s not a big deal.”

“I should have listened to you,” Hikari admitted. “You were right; I can’t mix drinks. I don’t know what I was trying to prove.”

Takeru didn’t respond right away. “Well, you were right, too, when you said you could handle yourself.” His phone buzzed and he pulled it out, typing out a quick text message. 

Hikari was quiet. She remembered being younger and Takeru saying so many times that she couldn’t depend on others. But hadn’t she depended on him? Hadn’t he, in some way, wanted her to depend on him and not the others? Now, he only wanted her to look out for herself. 

Setting down his phone on the bed beside them, Takeru continued. “Why did you drink so much though? Or mix drinks, even? That’s not like you. You know your limits.” 

Biting her lip, Hikari weighed her options. She could say that she just wanted to have some fun or she could be honest. 

She hadn’t been honest in a long time. 

“I’m finding parties awkward these days,” she confessed, “I go and I don’t enjoy them. I feel uncomfortable and out of place; I’m not even really sure why I go other than I feel obligated. So I just needed to take the edge off.”

Takeru frowned. “Why do you find the parties awkward? You never did before; you used to enjoy them.”

Glancing up, Hikari looked him square in the eye, the alcohol in her system making her brave. “It’s kind of hard to be at a party with you these days, Takeru-kun.”

Eyes growing wide, Takeru let out a breath and chuckled. “Wow. Okay.”

“I’m just being honest,” Hikari turned the cup around in her hands. 

“Yeah,” Takeru leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees. “You’re good at that.”

Hikari felt her chest lurch. “What does that mean?”

“You’re the one who said you weren’t sure we could still be friends, Hikari-chan,” Takeru said darkly. “You were the one who said you needed space. So I’ve been giving you space.”

“I didn’t mean _six months_ of space,” Hikari gripped the cup in her hands, knuckles white. “I thought it would maybe be two weeks, a month.”

“And you realize you were the one who dictated that, right, Hikari-chan?” Takeru lifted his head, his eyes meeting hers. “You decided on the timeline in your head without even consulting me; how was I supposed to know that you had only planned on having space from me for a month tops? You gave me no choice in the matter. You’ve been calling the shots for over a year now in our friendship. I’m sorry if I’ve found that hard to manage.”

Hikari blinked, taken aback. “I texted you," she said, her voice shaking.

“I know.”

“You never responded.”

“I know.”

“I was making an effort,” Hikari pleaded. “If you’re going to say that I called all of the shots here, that’s not fair; that’s not true. I tried to reconcile with you ages ago and you didn’t respond. You’ve been calling the shots since at least June.”

“Yeah, well, I had my reasons,” Takeru turned away from her. 

“Oh, really?” Feeling her throat get tight, Hikari mustered up the courage to continue. “Like what?”

Eyes fixed on the photos on Hikari’s wall, Takeru didn’t respond right away. “It was self-preservation.”

Hikari frowned. “ _What?_ ”

“You were never supposed to find out how I feel, Hikari-chan,” Takeru said, glancing at the floor. “I was never, _ever_ , in a million years going to tell you. Until that night, I hadn’t told anyone. But I was tipsy and Daisuke was getting on my nerves, grilling me about it like he did constantly, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. We had been fighting over you since we were eleven and it all just felt so fucking stupid, especially when I wasn’t going to do anything about it. So I just thought, what did it matter?”

Takeru brought a hand up and rubbed at his eyes. “I thought, well, as long as I just say it and explain that I had no intentions of pursuing you, maybe that would be it. Maybe it would put an end to Daisuke’s constant grilling. Hell, _everyone’s_ constant grilling. Instead, as luck would have it, you overheard and nothing has been the same since.”

Gaze still fixed on the floor, Takeru continued. “I said that the reason I wasn’t going to tell you was because of self-preservation, Hikari-chan, and it was, because I knew that telling you would do two things: break my heart and ruin our friendship. Because I _know_ you; I know how you react to things you don’t feel like you can handle — you just shut down. And I knew you didn't feel the same way and I knew the thought of having to reject me, to hurt me, would make you completely close yourself off from me. And I was right; exactly that happened. Despite my best efforts, it all happened exactly how I thought it would.”

Hikari’s heart thumped in her chest. “Takeru-kun, I—”

“Hikari-chan, even if you thought it would only be a couple of weeks, you were the one who put it out there,” Takeru said, cutting her off. “You were the one who suggested that maybe we couldn’t be friends anymore.”

Wringing her hands together, Hikari flushed. “I know.”

“And you meant it,” Takeru sighed. “When you said that, you _meant it_. I didn’t want to stick around to find out what your decision was. I didn’t want to spend time waiting for you to decide that you could still be friends with me. My heart had already been broken once. I couldn’t do it again. So, it was self-preservation. Cutting you off was making sure my heart didn’t get thrown into the blender again.”

Takeru’s phone buzzed then, interrupting them. He glanced at it, dazed, the screen illuminating brightly between them. 

“If being around me is so hard,” Hikari felt tears blur her vision, “then why did you come tonight? Why did you insist on helping me get home? Ken-san said he and Miyako could manage without you and came anyway.”

Running a hand through his hair, Takeru didn’t respond. He picked up his phone instead, reading his message. 

“Takeru-kun, _please_ ,” Hikari pleaded. “Why did you come?”

“Self-preservation doesn’t mean I don’t worry about you, Hikari-chan,” he said, tossing his phone back onto the bed. “It doesn’t mean I don’t miss you. Seeing you drunk tonight, I wanted to make sure you got home safe. It's a force of habit. It doesn’t change anything. It’s just one night.”

Blinking back tears, Hikari nodded. “Okay.”

“When Miyako-san and Ken get back, I had better get going,” he said, picking up his phone from the bed. “It’s late.”

“Okay.”

Sliding his phone back in his pocket, Takeru let out a sigh.. “Drink lots of water and try to get some sleep. Tomorrow will suck, but that will help.”

“Okay,” Hikari said once more. Her mind was spinning, everything he had just said running through her mind on a loop. But something he had said had confused her.  “Takeru-kun?” 

He glanced at her from the corner of his eye. “What is it?”

“You said feel,” Hikari said quickly, before she could lose her nerve. “You said you didn’t want me to find out how you _feel_.”

Takeru blinked, then looked away. “Hikari-chan, you’re drunk.” 

“You didn’t say _felt_ ,” Hikari swallowed. “You didn’t use past tense.”

“Hikari-chan, I-”

“We’re back!” Miyako’s voice boomed from the door, the sound of rustling bags accompanying Ken’s shushing. “And we have asprin and a selection of sandwiches! 50% off, too, cause it's midnight!”

Takeru smiled. “Choco Pie or seasonal Pocky?”

“Choco Pie!” Miyako reached into the bag, retrieving the snack cake. She tossed it over to him. “Seasonal Pocky was chestnut flavored and I know you’re not a fan.”

“Phew!” Takeru pressed a hand to his chest in relief, the other holding the Choco Pie. “I can always count on you, Miyako-san.”

Beaming, Miyako set the bags on the counter while Ken fished around for plates in the cabinets. “Thanks, Takeru-kun! Your sandwich and stuff is in here, too. Let’s all eat together?”

“I’m actually not that hungry anymore,” Takeru said, pushing off the bed and standing up. 

Miyako’s face fell. “What? Your total came to 750 yen! That's more than I expected! That’s a whole Starbucks drink! A grande!”

Takeru grinned. “750 yen? What a splurge.”

“Just stick around for ten minutes and eat it, please,” Miyako instructed. Beside her, Ken pulled out a stack of plates and handed them to her. “It’s ten minutes.”

“Sorry,” Takeru shook his head. “I gotta get going. Madelaine is waiting for me to get home. She’s texted me a couple of times; I said I would be home around now. 

“Oh,” Miyako paused and then nodded. “I see.”

“At least take your food to go,” Ken chimed in. “So it doesn’t go to waste.”

“Sure,” Takeru said with a shrug. “And Miyako-san, I’ll pay you back.”

Miyako waved her hand. “Don’t worry about it. Just don’t say I never do you any favors.”

Takeru laughed. “Okay.”

“Tell Owens-san we say hi,” Ken said with a smile. 

“Will do,” Takeru grinned. He looked over at Hikari over his shoulder. “Rest up, Hikari-chan.”

Hikari didn’t respond, watching the scene unfold from her bed. She flopped back down on her bed; her head was still pounding. 

Staring up at the ceiling, she listened, sounds ringing through the apartment. Ken and Miyako bidding Takeru a good night. Her apartment door closing behind him. Cutlery clattering in the kitchen. 

“Hikari-chan, do you want to try to eat a katsu-sando when you take your medicine?” Miyako called from the kitchen. “Do you think you could keep it down? We have an extra.”

Sitting up, Hikari ran to the bathroom and vomited. 

Dropping the sandwich, Miyako ran to the bathroom, Ken hot on her heels. "Fuck, I guess that's a no."

x x x

The next morning, Hikari woke up to a knock at her front door. 

She sat up slowly in bed, her head heavy, as if it had been filled with cement overnight. She blinked, her vision blurry, and looked around. The clock on her nightstand read 9:47am. 

The sunlight streamed into the apartment through the cracks in the curtains along her balcony. Miyako was slumped over the coffee table in the living room, still seated at one of the floor chairs, snoring softly. 

Sliding her legs over the side of the bed slowly, Hikari stood up and walked across the apartment quietly, careful not to wake Miyako. She prayed to god that whoever was at the door was just delivering a package — she wasn’t sure if she could deal with the NHK guy right now. 

Swinging open the door quietly, Hikari blinked. No one was there. Had she dreamed the knock? She glanced to the right and then the left. She was positive she had heard something.

As she stepped back into the genkan, something at her feet caught her eye. As she registered what it was, her heart caught in her throat. 

On her doorstep sat a 7-Eleven bag and two cups of coffee sitting in the tray. Bending down, she opened the bag and looked inside; there was a plastic container of umeboshi, a bag of instant miso soup, and a bottle of Pocari Sweat.

Hikari felt hot tears cloud her vision. 

It was from Takeru. There was no note, but she knew it was from him. 

“Hikari, are you okay?” Miyako said behind her, sounding sleepy and dazed. “Who was at the door?”

Without responding, Hikari burst into tears. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the kind reviews and kudos! It really makes my day seeing the notifications in my inbox. I actually had BIG PLANS and LOTS OF INSPIRATION that I thought could fuel me to write this update super fast (like within a week) of the last update and then I had some of the busiest, most stressful work days I have had in well over a year, so, uh, that didn't happen. 
> 
> But here we are! I spent a lot of time with this one; I swear to god, I've been in that apartment with Hikari, Takeru, Miyako, and Ken for literal weeks at this point. Funny thing; I actually wasn't too invested in the 02 kids prior to writing this fic and now I am obsessed with them!!! 
> 
> As an aside, the lyrics in this chapter continue to be from Taylor Swift, but I actually listened to two tracks on repeat that I stumbled upon that are so super spot on, it's like they were written for the fic. "Break My Hear Again" by FINNEAS (Takeru) and 'Did It To Myself' by Orla Gartland (Hikari). 
> 
> Alright, that's all from me. Going to shift my focus to the coffee shop AU for a bit, but I'll probably update this in between writing that (cause Chapter 3 is currently a beautiful, blank document. *panic intensifies*).


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